Married Life - What would you do - Advice

[9397SVTs]

Perhaps you should consider counseling on your own. You may need to see a few different people before you find one that you are comfortable with and believe that will be of any benefit. There is nothing wrong with seeking help. It sounds like you really need to invest some time and effort into yourself. Once you are able to address your own situation/problems, you will have better clarity concerning your marriage and the direction that you want to go.

I wouldn't suggest medication as a first step. As a society, we are too quick to treat symptoms instead of the cause.

If you've been closed off from your wife for years, this could really be a problem. Instead of living as husband and wife, you have been living more as roommates. Is this correct?

 

[IronSnake]

If you're closed off from her, it's no wonder you aren't on the same page. If she's closed you out, it's for a reason. You probably did it to her.

You need to have a real heart to heart tear jerking moment with her that lays both of your hearts on the line. If that can't happen though, then I'd say that turkey is overcooked.

Anytime things go awry with my lady, I stop everything and rip my heart out and make her do the same. We come together, really express our feelings and troubles, then fix it together. We have to be open together. We have to communicate. Be sensitive to each other. And speak/love in a way the other receives it. It's critical.

 

[Grabber]

Perhaps you should consider counseling on your own. You may need to see a few different people before you find one that you are comfortable with and believe that will be of any benefit. There is nothing wrong with seeking help. It sounds like you really need to invest some time and effort into yourself. Once you are able to address your own situation/problems, you will have better clarity concerning your marriage and the direction that you want to go.

I wouldn't suggest medication as a first step. As a society, we are too quick to treat symptoms instead of the cause.

If you've been closed off from your wife for years, this could really be a problem. Instead of living as husband and wife, you have been living more as roommates. Is this correct?

Well, to respond to this:

I am against medications of any kind. I do have anxiety issues that I sometimes struggle with.

Since married to my wife, I've gone to over 40 therapy sessions on my own to figure out what I am doing wrong in my life to make my wife happy. She has refused to do the same. I've made an extreme effort to get to know her, stay close, keep my heart open to her, but, she closes me off.

Last night, we spoke for many hours. One thing she said was she was too comfortable and because she has similarities of being robotic and cold, she applies this to everyone, and not just me. She realizes the damage she has done.

If you're closed off from her, it's no wonder you aren't on the same page. If she's closed you out, it's for a reason. You probably did it to her.

You need to have a real heart to heart tear jerking moment with her that lays both of your hearts on the line. If that can't happen though, then I'd say that turkey is overcooked.

Anytime things go awry with my lady, I stop everything and rip my heart out and make her do the same. We come together, really express our feelings and troubles, then fix it together. We have to be open together. We have to communicate. Be sensitive to each other. And speak/love in a way the other receives it. It's critical.

We've had a LOT of heart to hearts the past month, to the point where we both break down and cry for long periods of time. I've completely opened my heart and as I mentioned in the above quoted post to the other gent, she has shut me out, but, I've made it a point I am there for her as her friend, lover, roommate, partner, companion and husband.

I try to push myself into her life to get to know her interests better, what she does at work (which I still don't know to this day), what she likes most about work and dislikes, etc.

I would say I've been very open to all ideas and I've sacrfiiced much of my life and myself to make sure that she is OK every day. I don't feel she has responded the same way and still holds back when it comes to my mother, my interests, the controllin my spending, drinking, etc.

 

[Stanley]

We've thought about it, but, my wife is not open to Therapy or Counseling now.

That may change, so, we will see.

If she doesn't want to put in the work to improve/fix what ever the issues are then call it good and bail.

 

[Blk04L]

It's tough to give an opinion on this. Some change once they get pregnant and fall in love with the idea, others are terrible mothers that lack the nurturing skills.
the mother thing has some strings attached so I can't say I'm too shocked about that. First impressions and seeing how she treated you when your wife came into your life can make it hard for your wife to move on. Family(blood or legally) or not.

The responsibility part makes me wonder if she is mature enough for a kid. The first year+ can be very challenging at times. First few months the baby wants to be fed every 3-4 hours, shits and pisses a lot, and on you at times.
Ours is 15 months old and will have days of independence, and days of being latched to her sides. It's a lot of work when they are that young.

Before our first child I was the one holding off on having a kid so soon, but it was mainly fears due to money and making sure we were ready for the financial hits that come with one. Plus, I had the mindset of having the wife stay at home to raise them so we would go from 2 incomes to 1. She would make strong hints about having a kid sooner than later, and at times it got annoying.
I knew I wanted one, just didn't know when it would be "best" to have one.
Freaked me out a bit when I saw him right after the C-section I didn't have any instant feelings for him. Dunno if it was being shocked from looking at her guts, or realizing that he was finally here. However, 15 minutes later they gave him to me back in our room while they were stitching her back up, and he looked at me and grabbed my thumb. Instant love.

 

[Coiled03]

If you're closed off from her, it's no wonder you aren't on the same page. If she's closed you out, it's for a reason. You probably did it to her.

That's a little harsh, automatically assuming it's his fault.

 

[9397SVTs]

Well, to respond to this:

I am against medications of any kind. I do have anxiety issues that I sometimes struggle with.

Since married to my wife, I've gone to over 40 therapy sessions on my own to figure out what I am doing wrong in my life to make my wife happy. She has refused to do the same. I've made an extreme effort to get to know her, stay close, keep my heart open to her, but, she closes me off.

Last night, we spoke for many hours. One thing she said was she was too comfortable and because she has similarities of being robotic and cold, she applies this to everyone, and not just me. She realizes the damage she has done.



We've had a LOT of heart to hearts the past month, to the point where we both break down and cry for long periods of time. I've completely opened my heart and as I mentioned in the above quoted post to the other gent, she has shut me out, but, I've made it a point I am there for her as her friend, lover, roommate, partner, companion and husband.

I try to push myself into her life to get to know her interests better, what she does at work (which I still don't know to this day), what she likes most about work and dislikes, etc.

I would say I've been very open to all ideas and I've sacrfiiced much of my life and myself to make sure that she is OK every day. I don't feel she has responded the same way and still holds back when it comes to my mother, my interests, the controllin my spending, drinking, etc.

This does not sound like a viable marriage. You don't know what she does for work? This is "first date" stuff. It takes two to make a marriage AND make a marriage work. It sounds like you are the only one putting in the work. If this is truly the case, then there is only one question that you need to ask yourself.......

Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?

 

[Zemedici]

What do you mean you don’t know what she does at work? Whaaaat?

Every night my old lady and i spend an hour going over our day. I could tell you anything about her job / what she does.

I used to think this was weird when my parents had these talks at dinner. Now my old lady mentions weekly how she loves our daily unwind conversations.

She seems to have cut you off. Cut her off in such a way you don’t have to write her a fat check and move on....sounds too far gone to me.

 

[Blk04L]

What do you mean you don’t know what she does at work? Whaaaat?

Every night my old lady and i spend an hour going over our day. I could tell you anything about her job / what she does.

I used to think this was weird when my parents had these talks at dinner. Now my old lady mentions weekly how she loves our daily unwind conversations.

She seems to have cut you off. Cut her off in such a way you don’t have to write her a fat check and move on....sounds too far gone to me.

Yea, that changes this dilemma up a bit. That and the 40 therapy sessions the OP did to the zero she did.

May be best to split up and try the dating market again.

She may realize the damage she has done in being robotic and cold, but will she remember that long term or in 2 months go back to being her old self. It's easy to see and admit your faults, it's another thing to actually work on improving those faults.

OP is in his 30's and no kids. If you want kids, I would say cut the cord now, take the ups and downs of being single again and try to find someone who better fits your current wants.

Seems like grabber is doing a lot to improve but his wife has checked out in a lot of ways.

 

[Grabber]

This does not sound like a viable marriage. You don't know what she does for work? This is "first date" stuff. It takes two to make a marriage AND make a marriage work. It sounds like you are the only one putting in the work. If this is truly the case, then there is only one question that you need to ask yourself.......

Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?

I'll elaborate.

She has been with one company for years, and has changed positions for a while. She is an analyst, but, I don't know what is involved. I'd ask her repeatedly what she does at work, and basically, her response is always "she sends numbers and reports to a group of people and I probably wouldn't understand the rest"

I hear what you're saying, I've known about her other jobs, but, the past couple of years, she's cut me off in this way.

What do you mean you don’t know what she does at work? Whaaaat?

Every night my old lady and i spend an hour going over our day. I could tell you anything about her job / what she does.

I used to think this was weird when my parents had these talks at dinner. Now my old lady mentions weekly how she loves our daily unwind conversations.

She seems to have cut you off. Cut her off in such a way you don’t have to write her a fat check and move on....sounds too far gone to me.

See above post @Zemedici -

She knows all about my work, lol. I talk about work a lot.

 

[Zemedici]

I'll elaborate.

She has been with one company for years, and has changed positions for a while. She is an analyst, but, I don't know what is involved. I'd ask her repeatedly what she does at work, and basically, her response is always "she sends numbers and reports to a group of people and I probably wouldn't understand the rest"

I hear what you're saying, I've known about her other jobs, but, the past couple of years, she's cut me off in this way.



See above post @Zemedici -

She knows all about my work, lol. I talk about work a lot.

Do you know for certain she’s not got her attention elsewhere? I hate to ask but maaaaaaan that’s some sketchy behavior....

Think about how sketched out ANY female would be if you were the same way....

 

[9397SVTs]

I'll elaborate.

She has been with one company for years, and has changed positions for a while. She is an analyst, but, I don't know what is involved. I'd ask her repeatedly what she does at work, and basically, her response is always "she sends numbers and reports to a group of people and I probably wouldn't understand the rest"

I hear what you're saying, I've known about her other jobs, but, the past couple of years, she's cut me off in this way.



See above post @Zemedici -

She knows all about my work, lol. I talk about work a lot.

That's a rather cold and condescending response.

It sounds like she is just in a comfortable/familiar zone, if you will.

Again.....Is this how you want to spend the rest of my life? While answering the question may be easy, acting on it will be unpleasant.

 

[Zemedici]

Yea, that changes this dilemma up a bit. That and the 40 therapy sessions the OP did to the zero she did.

May be best to split up and try the dating market again.

She may realize the damage she has done in being robotic and cold, but will she remember that long term or in 2 months go back to being her old self. It's easy to see and admit your faults, it's another thing to actually work on improving those faults.

OP is in his 30's and no kids. If you want kids, I would say cut the cord now, take the ups and downs of being single again and try to find someone who better fits your current wants.

Seems like grabber is doing a lot to improve but his wife has checked out in a lot of ways.

One of those ‘can lead a horse to water but cannot make them drink’ situations.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want / accept help...

 

[RDJ]

What do you mean you don’t know what she does at work? Whaaaat?

Every night my old lady and i spend an hour going over our day. I could tell you anything about her job / what she does.

used to think this was weird when my parents had these talks at dinner. Now my old lady mentions weekly how she loves our daily unwind conversations.

lol my ex would tell me all about her day. Who said what to who, and lots of specifics about her job. Then ask me about my day and my answer was “it went fine”. I couldn’t talk about my work for most of my career due to the nature of the job. She really got frustrated over it too.

 

[Coiled03]

The whole not talking about work thing is weird. My ex would come home and spend an hour or two telling me exactly what she did, who said what, and why she hated her job. I never wanted to unload my problems on her so when she asked how my day went, I'd just say, "it sucked, like usual", and leave it at that.

Never heard of a woman that wouldn't talk your ear off if given the chance.

 

[Grabber]

Do you know for certain she’s not got her attention elsewhere? I hate to ask but maaaaaaan that’s some sketchy behavior....

Think about how sketched out ANY female would be if you were the same way....

I am positive she doesn't. She's always with me and barely goes out on her own. I'm kind of the same way too.

I think as the other gent said, she is in the comfortable/familiar zone.

That's a rather cold and condescending response.

It sounds like she is just in a comfortable/familiar zone, if you will.

Again.....Is this how you want to spend the rest of my life? While answering the question may be easy, acting on it will be unpleasant.

I agree.

I am not sure this is how I want to spend the rest of my life.

However, I don't even know where I'd begin if we fully separated/divorced. Been with her for over 15 years, lol.

 

[Coiled03]

However, I don't even know where I'd begin if we fully separated/divorced. Been with her for over 15 years, lol.

The same place other freshly divorced people begin.....wherever you want. Yes, it seems daunting, and difficult. Yes, it IS both of those things. But you move on, survive, and life improves. Don't let fear of the unknown prevent you from chasing a better life.

 

[9397SVTs]

I am positive she doesn't. She's always with me and barely goes out on her own. I'm kind of the same way too.

I think as the other gent said, she is in the comfortable/familiar zone.



I agree.

I am not sure this is how I want to spend the rest of my life.

However, I don't even know where I'd begin if we fully separated/divorced. Been with her for over 15 years, lol.

That's a reasonable feeling. This has been, basically, your entire adult life.

Take some time and really figure out what you want the rest of your life to be. Don't think about the process of change, just where you want to be.

Once you know for sure what you want and where you want to be, then you can start thinking about how to get there.

Change is never easy and things worth doing never are.

 

[Grabber]

You guys have been fantastic. I thank you for helping me put certain things into a better perspective.

As much as I want things to work, it may be that I have to make a hard choice so I have a better life, and maybe so, that my wife learns things that will help her with her life too, should things not work out between us.

Anything changes, I'll update the thread.

-Chris

 

[08mojo]

What do you mean you don’t know what she does at work? Whaaaat?

Every night my old lady and i spend an hour going over our day. I could tell you anything about her job / what she does.

I used to think this was weird when my parents had these talks at dinner. Now my old lady mentions weekly how she loves our daily unwind conversations.

She seems to have cut you off. Cut her off in such a way you don’t have to write her a fat check and move on....sounds too far gone to me.

Wife and I have an agreement to not talk about work (unless it's just needed). I try to leave that crap at the office and only focus on 'fun' stuff when I get home. Also, we both work at the same company so we have a sense of what each other is doing all the time, and we deal with a lot of the same people...so I suppose we're different.

You guys have been fantastic. I thank you for helping me put certain things into a better perspective.

As much as I want things to work, it may be that I have to make a hard choice so I have a better life, and maybe so, that my wife learns things that will help her with her life too, should things not work out between us.

Anything changes, I'll update the thread.

-Chris

Life is short. Follow your gut--no one else knows your situation better than you. Keep your head up and do what is best to make you happy--even if that means it might let someone else down.