are we headed for divorce or reconciliation?

[GrayGhost03]

ill try to keep this short. my wife who i love very much have been sleeping in separate rooms for the last month after a incident where i told her 13yo son to shut his mouth bcuz he was yelling at his mom with profanities. he said he wanted to go live with his dad so i said go ahead and she chimed in saying if he leaves i leave too...i said go ahead but he's going to respect you and this house while he's living here. i think this was the straw that broke the camels back and she snapped. the last 2 years we have been dealing with the stresses of her owning/running a restaurant that was dropped on her lap, my shift work and sometimes 70hr weeks, blended family issues and just the daily rat race but nothing in my view that are deal breakers.

after a month she says she's still in a bad place mentally and emotionally (i can see she is stressed out with everything, especially restaurant) and still needs to find herself and figure things out. she decided to move out with the kids to get clarity. so she moves some of her stuff out this weekend and i help her keeping things respectful and cordial all the while telling her she is making a big mistake. well last night i was in my bedroom and she knocks on door and asks if i would have a glass of wine with her. i agreed and we have 3 glasses of wine while watching a movie and talk about things. we finish wine and she says im going now and gives me a hug and busts out crying uncontrollably saying shes losing her best friend in me. i tell her dont move out but she says its something she has to do, we kiss and she falls asleep. i felt her leave in the middle of the night and this morning she says shes sorry about last night. i say why? lets take things slow and find what we had. all she says is not right now, im stressed out and cant think straight. so I'm here trying to figure out where this marriage is going with out pushing the issue but man its a gut shot

 

[Outlaw99]

you better get while the getting is good. she is a mom, and that is her son. when forced to choose, you will lose. she will choose her son. there is nothing he could do in her eyes that will justify him leaving. no matter how right you are. you will be the asshole.

you can try counseling...but her mind is made up. she is emotionally punishing you. sounds like she has some serious issues with you being the man of the house so to speak.

get a lawyer now.

wise man once said, "when woman put man in dog house, he soon find cat house."

 

[DaleM]

It is how you want it to end and how much you are willing to compromise and cooperate. You need to have an honest discussion with her about your thoughts.

 

[badcobra]

It doesn't sound good. I have a teenage stepson that I tread carefully with also because he has a strong father presence in his Dad, but mostly just to keep the peace. But honestly I have yelled at him for the same exact thing and my wife has backed it up 100%. Your wife has to understand that everything starts at the top and there has to be respect in the house by kids. You were right to discipline the child and your wife is not seeing things clearly even though she has tried to gain clarity on this. If she is moving out, I would say that she is essentially picking sides and is going to pick her kid over you. Let her move out with her bratty kid and don't push it if you want any chance to work this out. Chances are now that the kid knows mom will pick him over you, things would only get worse before better anyway. Good luck man.

 

[ViciousJay]

this is why you dont marry single mom's... hell dont bother dating.

 

[Torch10th]

I agree with both Outlaw and DaleM on this one. I've seen a divorce happen to a friend that did everything in his power to stop it from happening. Ultimately, he did exactly what was asked of him by both his then wife and their counselor. He ended up being cheated on, then taken to the cleaners.

Have a serious discussion about what you want from the relationship, but you should also be preparing for a very real inevitability that she does not want to continue a relationship with you. Get that lawyer on retainer and start documenting stuff that happens and steps you're taking.

 

[badcobra]

this is why you dont marry single mom's... hell dont bother dating.

I agree 100%, except in my case I was a single father also. But blended families are tough. It became better when we had a kid of our own.

 

[ssssnake]

Woman's POV. She may not appreciate it now, but the fact that you demanded that your stepson respect her is honorable. When he gets a little older and is still disrespecting her, she'll remember. Maybe the next thing you said about him leaving was a little much. You might work on that one. When his father was alive, there was no problem with my son respecting me. Now, not so much. Keep the communication alive and don't give up. Ask her what she would have done had you not stepped in. Best of luck to you.

 

[low03tb]

I'm assuming the restaurant thing is what's driving all this. Sounds to me like she has so many stresses with that and her son, she obviously doesn't like what he does, but it's her son and she just try's to phase it out or act like it's not serious. If she says she's stressed out, then maybe some of that is you, but she has so much on her mind that she doesn't want to add something else that might bring her down or stress her out (if you all fight, etc).

If you still want her, then you have to find a way to relieve that stress and/or take her mind off of it. Why is the restaurant stressful? You don't have to go into detail if you don't want, but is it money, too much time spent there, etc??

...I 100% agree with what you did though.

 

[F8LBITEva]

screw that. I think youre in the right here. He was being a punk and you tried to straighten him out. She over reacted to what you said, its not like you threatened to kick him out you said "fine,then leave". I think theres more to the story and her decision but she doesnt have the strength to come clean about it.

 

[lobra97]

only gets worse older the boy gets.....good luck with it but yeah in the end he is her son so she'll stick by him.

 

[DaleM]

only gets worse older the boy gets.....good luck with it but yeah in the end he is her son so she'll stick by him.

Not if you give him an occasional oak full-body massage each time he looks at you.

 

[NC85]

Divorce. Lawyer up.

 

[CobraBob]

I have to agree that it is likely that her love for her son exceeds the love she has for you. That makes it very difficult to work this out with her without a good deal of compromise on your side. It is unlikely that she will compromise if it negatively affects her son. And her son is unlikely to change any time soon. Tough age. Is he an only child?

This is something you're both going to have to discuss deeply, and then decide where you both stand with each other and within your blended family. Right now, you're the bad guy in both her eyes and her son's eyes. Tough position for you, especially when she doesn't seem to be able to discipline her son and that's where it primarily has to come from. She is his natural mom. You're the step-dad. She is not backing you. She is backing her son. I hope that you can work this out with her, but it is going to be an uphill battle for you with the present state of things. Be aware that if they move back in with you without some change and a willingness to make this work for all of you, things can very well get worse.

 

[lobra97]

Not if you give him an occasional oak full-body massage each time he looks at you.

wtf lol

 

[BossLady82]

this is why you dont marry single mom's... hell dont bother dating.

hey that's not fair.

 

[BlueSnake01]

this is why you dont marry single mom's... hell dont bother dating.

Somewhat true but not fully. Some stepfathers have become more than what their real fathers have been in a kids life. My friend grew up with his step dad and calls him his real dad.

I would do what others have said and lawyer up, better be safe than sorry and gotta be ready for "it". It's a 50/50 chance that things wont go smoothly.

 

[04svtterm]

with all respect on the matter, a car forum isn't the best place to ask for advice on marriage as no one is in the same exact scenario. We don't know the whole history of the relationship and we should never. How can we give you sound advice on something like that. And lets be honest, most of the members here are young kids and getting marriage advice from them is just crazy.

Only thing i can say is, do what your heart tells you but make sure you let your brain in on the action too. Don't jump to divorce as IMO anything short of an affair is repairable. Be a man, not a divorce statistic.

 

[imstillclowning]

you better get while the getting is good. she is a mom, and that is her son. when forced to choose, you will lose. she will choose her son. there is nothing he could do in her eyes that will justify him leaving. no matter how right you are. you will be the asshole.

you can try counseling...but her mind is made up. she is emotionally punishing you. sounds like she has some serious issues with you being the man of the house so to speak.

get a lawyer now.

wise man once said, "when woman put man in dog house, he soon find cat house."

+1

Also, for her to move out because of a disagreement/argument(what ever you want to call it) seems pretty childish to me. My 2 step sons would be in a world of hurt if they even started to raise there voice at their mother. Thank goodness they're only 6 and 8 and I can teach them a little bit of respect and manners before they think they know it all.
If she moved out already, to me it's already a done deal. Ain't nobody have time for all that bs. Good thing for you is you don't have a kid with her yet and there are a million other women on this earth.
In the end, it all comes down to how much each person in the relationship wants it and how hard you're willing to work at it. Also, keep in mind that it takes 2 to tango. I like to keep this quote in my head " He never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it". Now thats not the exact words, but im sure you get the point.
Hope it works out for the best!

 

[Outlaw99]

this kid has now learned how to make his mom stay angry with you and the mother has allowed it.

once you learn that this kid runs the house, the better off you will be....if you are willing to concede to him.