are we headed for divorce or reconciliation?

[GrayGhost03]

she has a total of 3 boys and the only 2 that want to leave is boy mentioned and her. yes, the restaurant is a big issuse..to me its not worth the hassle, its always something and she spends way too much time there imo but its become her baby..how dare i tell her to sale it when shes put everything into it to succeed. kids, restaurant, me asking for our time is all weighing on her. i know shes worth holding on for but she has said her kids will always be 1st. i get that but there has to be rules and respect. the oldest does the same thing but not when im there, theyre just out of control but she cant see it. her uncle told me let her be, she needs a reality check by herself and her boys. if she dont see the grass isnt greener over there well its too bad.

 

[RDJ]

she has a total of 3 boys and the only 2 that want to leave is boy mentioned and her. yes, the restaurant is a big issuse..to me its not worth the hassle, its always something and she spends way too much time there imo but its become her baby..how dare i tell her to sale it when shes put everything into it to succeed. kids, restaurant, me asking for our time is all weighing on her. i know shes worth holding on for but she has said her kids will always be 1st. i get that but there has to be rules and respect. the oldest does the same thing but not when im there, theyre just out of control but she cant see it. her uncle told me let her be, she needs a reality check by herself and her boys. if she dont see the grass isnt greener over there well its too bad.

you handled it exacly wrong. and with your attitude about it you need tolawyer up. even if she does come back it will not last anyway.

I will go into why I say that more if you ask. otherwise this is all I am gonna say about it.

 

[kirks5oh]

she needs to get rid of the restaurant if you want it to work

and

she needs to put her kid in line.

without those two things, this will fail. i'd recommend counseling though. even though you're mostly in the right, a third party with no stake in the game will definitely help convince her

 

[Riptide]

talkaboutmarriage.com


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[Juiced 66]

Screw that.. I can't stand punk ass teenagers. You did nothing wrong by telling him to hit the door.. So if she wants to follow him then your better off without her. 99% of parents think their teens are angles when they are really pieces of shit. They are blind to how bad their kids really are.
Lawyer up, and get ready.. Don't get screwed over.

 

[GrayGhost03]

you handled it exacly wrong. and with your attitude about it you need tolawyer up. even if she does come back it will not last anyway.

I will go into why I say that more if you ask. otherwise this is all I am gonna say about it.

please do

 

[INNOVATE_1]

From your brief post, it appears you have a very stressful lifestyle. Some people integrate excessive arguing into their relationships and think it's normal. Is that a lifestyle you can sustain or even want to?

Sleeping in separate rooms for over a month?? Life is short man, if you can't forgive and forget what's the point of being married. In a marriage, both should always have each others number 1 spot regardless of children. Parents who put their children before their spouse are more likely to develop the "empty nest syndrome" when the child/teenager moves out.

Seek counseling only if she is willing and wants to find a common solution. Remember though, a counselor isn't there to help preserve nor dissolve your relationship but simply help you communicate more clearly and improve listening to what the other is really saying.

So many issues… If you both can efficiently tackle each issue one by one, there might be a chance…

Cheer up though, every cloud has a silver lining.

 

[Outlaw99]

i suggest something close to this.

 

[F1reStart3r]

Once one person moves out, they have officially checked out (emotionally). Pretend like you don't care, even if you do. Don't let her see it's effect on you, or her kid for that matter. In all reality you will likely not get her back. Prepare yourself.

In a relationship, whoever cares the least holds all the cards.

 

[Riddla]

Cut your losses

 

[Riptide]

^^^ agree


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[cobra_80]

Wow! I just went through the exact same thing man. 3 kids and i did everything for them and her. I wasn't married but we were really serious and actually talking about marrage and buying a new home together. Sad thing is once she left the relationship the woman never looked back once. It hurt knowing or thinking i failed but realized i wasn't the whole problem. Only thing i can say is that it's pretty much over for her emotionally and better to let go then keep on holding on to every little hope you see. Trust me when i say it sucks as i know exactly what you're going through.

 

[GOTSVT?]

She will regret it later down the road.
Chin up!

 

[WireEater]

this is why you dont marry single mom's... hell dont bother dating.

That's not really a fair statement. However, if you get into a relationship with someone who have older kids, it will be A LOT harder. It will take years to gain the trust and respect of an older kid then it will a younger kid. And respectfully I can understand why a kid acts that way. They were raised under a completely different foundation and then it's all just yanked away from them. Then they have a person who has never had a relationship with them just try and step up and tell them what they need to do. It takes time and if you can't gain the trust of a kid eventually, then you most likely have not been involved enough with them to gain it.

I'd pretty much hate to be singled out because I am a single father. I didn't choose to be single. I did choose to be the sole provider of my 2 kids because I knew I could do a better job at it than the mother.

If I lived with that mentality I wouldn't have my daughter who was only 4 months when I met her mom. She is now legally my adopted child and I have full sole custody of her over the biological mother AND father.

Getting back on topic,

There are boundaries that need to be set, but you have to be gradual with them and not just expect to be able to come in and replace the kids father. You have to be the 2nd dad because you will never be #1. I'm not sure how long you guys have been together or how old the kids is but it sounds like he is in the point of his life where he will take advantage of exploiting his situation and there really won't be much that could be done about that. A kid is always going to go to the parent who lets them do what they want. As long as you are proving to the mother that you are only trying your best to teach him respect than what else can you do? If she can not get over that then you guys need to figure out other arrangements. Then again, I'm sure we aren't getting the whole story of your life situation so it's hard to tell what you guys have going on but I know I could not live someone who constantly ignored me and tried to make me feel guilty. I lived through that once and will never do it again.

 

[GrayGhost03]

i know life is short why i tried to talk to her when the incident happened but she didnt want to. i never kicked her out the bedroom, she chose to go sleep with her boys. emotionally checked out? i think she has but it shocks me bcuz just weeks ago we where the perfect couple to many. shes also said noone has loved her like i and that she has never said i love you back so many times in her life. things werent perfect but we both thought our marriage was strong then ...bam!!! shes had issues in the past about not feeling wanted/loved. she was raised by her grandma and to this day feels she was the black sheep. im grasping for answers i guess, we went from we'll grow old together to shes had enough.

 

[Coiled03]

Going through a similar situation myself. Married a single mom, and I was the only dad her son ever knew from the time he was 6 to today when he's almost 16.

Wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore because we "have nothing in common" - as if all couples don't have to work on developing common interests at some point. I asked her to go to counseling - she refused. She asked me to move out temporarily to give her "time and space", so I did, etc... Basically, I did everything to try to make things work, thinking this was sometime we could, and would work through.

Well.....I was wrong. We're in the process of getting divorced. It's going to cost me on the order of $60K, and missing half my 2-year old daughter's life, and I'm the one who wanted to stay together.

Shit makes no sense sometimes........ :nonono:

I suggest at the very least consulting a lawyer to understand what your options are, and how things will likely go. At this point, knowledge is power. You need all the information you can get to prepare yourself. If things work out, it was a small amount of wasted effort.

 

[Outlaw99]

sleeps with the boys? she is protecting them. the decision has already been made. time to accept it.

 

[Outlaw99]

i have dated many women with kids. its always the same.

one had two girls. one of the girls took a broom stick and clocked the other upside her head...almost knocked her unconcious. big ol bump. broke her glasses. mom wasnt home yet...so, at the time, i verbally scolded her, sent her to her room. she started crying and told me i was in trouble when her mommy gets home. and i was thinking...we'll see about that.
so, mom gets home and the kid comes running out crying saying how mean i was. i told her what happened and guess whos in trouble. me. there was nothing i could say. haw dare i discipline HER kids. she told me that i was to never EVER under any circumstances EVER allowed to discipline her kids and if i didnt like how it was going to be i could walk out any time. i was gone by dark. and....she is still single. that was 5 years ago.

 

[RDJ]

please do

ok - first a little bit about where I come from. Just after I separated from my (ex at her instigation,) I started dating a woman with a kid. My daughter was 11 her kid was like 5. My daughter couldn't stand her and funny thing was I thought her kid was a spoiled little shit but I didn't have to deal with him very often. Anyway i sat them both down and said:

to the GF - you are not here to be her mom, she has one. You can be her friend if you find you can get along, but the rules are the same even if you can't do that. You don't have to like each other, but you WILL treat each other with respect. If you have a problem with something she does, it is not on you to disipline her, tell me and I will take care of it if I think disipline is needed. When I am not around you are in charge, and if the kid wants to do something and says I would approve of it, make your own judgement and go with that. if it's wrong we will talk about it when she is not around.

to my daughter: she is not your mom, don't expect you to pretend she is, but she can be your friend if you let her. but I expect you two to treat each other with respect even if you are not friends and even if you don't like her. when I am not around SHE is in charge and I expect you to go with her judgement on things. if you have an issue with it tell me and I will discuss it with her if I think she was wrong, if I think she made the right choice I will back her up. I will not tolerate you treating her with disrespect.

after I did that things went pretty well.

in your case, you are not his dad, you can't be his dad and you should not try to be his dad. Not saying you did but the tendancy is there and from what you posted it appears that you went down that path. you CAN be their friend and that should have been the focus of your efforts. it is up to his mom to parent him and you to back her up. The two of you should have had a very frank discussion about expectations and parenting who does what before you ever got married. My bet is that you didn't get specific if you even talked about it at all.

last month after a incident where i told her 13yo son to shut his mouth bcuz he was yelling at his mom with profanities

if this is really the way you said this .. wrong thing to do. you could have said the exact same thing differently and come out way ahead both with him and with his mom. Hind sight is 20/20 however. you could have interjected without being this nasty about it.

he said he wanted to go live with his dad so i said go ahead

not showing a lot of care about him here. again there are better ways to handle this. "well if your mom and dad agrees that is what is best for you fine we can arrainge that" or something along those lines put you less in the lite of a "I don't give a shit about you because I am a son-of-a-bitch" but again hindsight is 20/20

and she chimed in saying if he leaves i leave too...i said go ahead

pretty much nailed your coffin shut here dude. aboslutely the worst possible response you could have given her. You made her choose between her son and you and she chose her son, and rightly so. NEVER EVER make a mom make that choice. if she is a good mom, you will lose every time as you should.

but he's going to respect you and this house while he's living here

This right here is the bottom line, but in the context you used it it was counterproductive.

i say why? lets take things slow and find what we had. all she says is not right now, im stressed out and cant think straight.

this makes it more about you than her. if you really want to have a shot at making it work, support her decision to move out and get her head on right. be there as her friend, see if you can take the boys out for some man time and give her a break. this might give you a shot at repairing your relationship with the 13 year old as well. put her and her kids first. How often have you offered to help with the restaurant? sit down and evaluate how much you have actually helped her deal with the stress and how much of that OT was really necessary looking back on it.

This certainly wasn't all your fault so don't think what I have said here says or implies that. We have not heard her side of it and I am sure it would be markedly different whether or not the truth really is that much different. having a blended family is tough but it can and does work for a lot of folks. Biggest issue however is the kids. get right with the 13 year old and you can probably make things work. but the kids have to come first for you and her, your relationship with her is secondary.

 

[cobra_80]

i know life is short why i tried to talk to her when the incident happened but she didnt want to. i never kicked her out the bedroom, she chose to go sleep with her boys. emotionally checked out? i think she has but it shocks me bcuz just weeks ago we where the perfect couple to many. shes also said noone has loved her like i and that she has never said i love you back so many times in her life. things werent perfect but we both thought our marriage was strong then ...bam!!! shes had issues in the past about not feeling wanted/loved. she was raised by her grandma and to this day feels she was the black sheep. im grasping for answers i guess, we went from we'll grow old together to shes had enough.

I can't believe how simiular our situation is. It was the same thing with all the soulmate and never ending our relationship no matter what. Then all of a sudden she shut her feeling off like a switch. I went above and beyond to support her and her 3 boys to the end. All i can say is i'm moving foward on my own because she won't have anything to do with me now. Can't understand how you can go from the top of the world to the bottom in a couple of days. Keep your head up and try to keep your mind busy.