your feelings on death, long

[nocobrafornow]

first, i'm sorry if i ramble a little i am just trying to vent some and i hope this is the right forum, if not please forgive me because i have to get this out.
my name is David, and to give a little history. i have been on my own sence i was 17(38now) and was you and dumn got in a little trouble stuff like that. i was lucky enough to have a friend who introduce me to his uncle when i needed a job. i loved cars but was completely stupid about them. he owned his own shop specializing in transmissions and he gave me a job sweeping and cleaning parts, stuff like that.lucky for me i learn fast and he started teaching me how to do the hard stuff and within 2 years i was no longer an r&r man i was the builder and i was incharge of work coming in going out especially the performance stuff and i grew to love mustangs, and working on them.
the main part of this story is not that he gave me a job and gave me a vocation, he was a great person, he taught me how to live take car of money, basically taught me how to be a man and be responsible for my life. he had diabetes pretty bad but was stubburn and over the 18 years i knew him he lived how he wanted and did what he wanted until it took his life march 5,2011. i droped hin off at the hospitol at 5am the day before for a minor opperation and was supposed to pick him up the next day except they called me at 4.45am the 5th to let me know he had passed from a blood clot. ever though both my parents had passed a few years before it never bothered me, they divorced remarried had kids and i welll i was the outcast so it didn't bother me when they went. but when Mike passed it devastated me. even now almost a year later i still don't know how to deal with it. i was able to make myself go to his funeral and i have yet been to visit his grave site. wee i hurt my back at work in 08 and had surgery and have been out sence so i live with my best friend and his family and they are great and treat me like i'm one of thier own. well my friend dad was diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer Dec 2010 and he just passed 2/23/12, then teh nexy dayanother friend passed from a blood clot i think was a result of a stroke then yesterday another friend called to tell us his father lost his battle with cancer(i didn't know him personally). i just don't understand how so much bad can happen to so many at one time. with it being a few days of being a year sence Mike passed and still grieving from it how do i help my friends, i can't even get my own shit together.
i'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, i just need some advice or help.
have any of you had similar things happen
i'm sorry this is so long i just can't talk to anyone here and sometimes it helps to talk to stangers who have gone through it as well. maybe an SVTP support group if you will.
and if it'sreal93/jess sees this i am very sorry to hear about the things you are going through and if there is anything i can do or if you need someone to talk to just let me know.
thanks everyone for reading David

 

[thepizz]

I'm not one for giving great advice but I read the entire post and glad to see you found great people in your life. Maybe you should "celebrate" the love, help, friendship, etc that these folks gave you by staying positive and fulfilling the life and dreams they obviously wanted for you. Your were blessed with amazing people in life and continuing to strive and be successful is one way to honor them...and yourself.

 

[nocobrafornow]

thank you,i'm trying day to day

 

[truebluedevil02]

I'm not one for giving great advice but I read the entire post and glad to see you found great people in your life. Maybe you should "celebrate" the love, help, friendship, etc that these folks gave you by staying positive and fulfilling the life and dreams they obviously wanted for you. Your were blessed with amazing people in life and continuing to strive and be successful is one way to honor them...and yourself.

For once you gave some damn good advise:beer:.

Live your life, be a good person, by showing others the love you have been shown you are doing good by those who have passed and that is about all anyone can ask of anyone. They were there for you, and they loved you, mourning and being depressed isn't what they would want. Celebrate there lives by going out and telling stories of them to your friends at work, the bar, or where ever.

I know how you feel, in the last 3 years I have lost 3 uncles, 1 aunt, a cousin, my god mother, and my grandmother is going shortly along with another uncle(just waiting for the news). But other than my god mother, i haven't shed a tear, we have just sat around telling funny stories about them. It has been so great for everyone and we know that's exactly the way they would want it. My grand mother has always told me to bring a keg to her funeral, lol.

 

[terrible one]

Well as a hospice volunteer I figure I can say some words that may or may not help, but hopefully you can take what you need from it.

First, I would like to say that I am sorry for the losses you are going through right now. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you.

Second, it is OK to be sad right now. You have obviously gone through quite a lot in the last year. If you don't feel like moving on or celebrating their lives at this time there is nothing wrong with that. You need to mourn at your own speed. Only you know how long that takes. For some people it's years before they can fully accept the death of a loved one.

That person was special to you and no one else knows that relationship like you do. Grieving takes time. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Focus on your needs right now. If you need to stay home and not talk to anyone because you are sad that is OK. You shouldn't feel guilty for the way you mourn someone special to you.

You also shouldn't feel guilty for going out and enjoying yourself. Life does go on although at the moment it may not feel like it. If you begin to have trouble with daily functions i.e. sleeping, eating, etc. that persists for awhile you may need to talk to someone about it. Again that is up to you. A lot of people are not ready to fully digest all the sadness they have been given. If you are not ready that is OK too.

No one can say why so many bad things happen at once to certain people. But right now you don't need to hear stories about other people having experienced grief and loss, you need to let other people hear about your present grief and sadness. So if you are ready to talk to friends, relatives, a psychiatrist then talk about your loved ones that died. Remembering them and conveying your present feelings and emotions is appropriate. Even if that is anger, depression, or resentment towards them.

I hope this helps. :burnout:

 

[ItsReal93]

Thanks.

I'm so sorry. You're going through a lot!

This should make you realize how short and precious life is! Losing loved ones is hard, and I cant speak for everyone, but I know if this cancer defeats me...I would want the people in my life to live life for themselves, do things that make them happy, and celebrate the life that I lived.

Do things to celebrate their lives and help keep the memories alive as well. There are so many walks, fundraisers and such for diabetes, and cancer! Form a team, collect donations, make tshirts for your team etc.

Losing my cousin to leukemia when he was 10 was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. So that summer we created a team called the scooby doos(bc he was obsessed with scooby doo) we bought tshirts with the characters and had matching outfits, raised money, and walked, talked, laughed, cried and met amazing people who felt our pain!


Most importantly it's ok to be sad! Whatever you're feeling get it out whether it be cry, workout etc. Holding it in doesn't help.

Spend more time with your close family and friends. Hug them more, tell them you love them....these are things I'm regretting not doing! You now have an opportunity to do all of these things before it's too late.

If you ever need to talk, you can pm me anytime.

 

[joeg215]

+1 to everything said so far. Keep your head up, brother.

 

[nocobrafornow]

thanks to everyone for the kind words. as of right now all my biological family are dead. all i really have are the close friends which luckily they treat me as if i were thiers anyway. the sad thing is it never seem to completely fill that need, if that makes sence.
itsreal93, i can't imagine how hard it must be for you going through the treatments. it was hard watching pop in the 13 month it took the cancer to run it's course on him he went from 259lbs to 112 when he passed. it is absolutely heartbeaking to see that happen to someone. i will send you a pm so we can talk. to any others who may be going through any thing similar feel free to join. thanks everyone David

 

[svtfocus2cobra]

You were wondering why so much death can happen at once and I'm not sure how to explain it fully but I imagine most people will go through this phase at some stage in their lives. I'm 26 now and have not lost too many people close to me at this point in my life except grandparents who all passed away relatively close to each other. But there will be a time as I get older that the ones I hold closest will age and will start to pass one after the other and it will seem all too common. I hope that it will be peaceful and from natural causes but it might not be for everyone.

We don't often contemplate our death but you just have to except that death is as normal as birth and we will all face it. It will be a less pleasent experience for some but the end result for this life will always the same.

Religion is often considered just a crutch to cope with death. I do not agree with that opinion but if it helps you understand death as it has for me and helps others cope with every day life by explaining such things then I see no fault in turning to it if it will help you.

Hope you find all the answers you're looking for. :beer:

 

[Fox-4]

Well as a hospice volunteer I figure I can say some words that may or may not help, but hopefully you can take what you need from it.

First, I would like to say that I am sorry for the losses you are going through right now. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you.

Second, it is OK to be sad right now. You have obviously gone through quite a lot in the last year. If you don't feel like moving on or celebrating their lives at this time there is nothing wrong with that. You need to mourn at your own speed. Only you know how long that takes. For some people it's years before they can fully accept the death of a loved one.

That person was special to you and no one else knows that relationship like you do. Grieving takes time. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Focus on your needs right now. If you need to stay home and not talk to anyone because you are sad that is OK. You shouldn't feel guilty for the way you mourn someone special to you.

You also shouldn't feel guilty for going out and enjoying yourself. Life does go on although at the moment it may not feel like it. If you begin to have trouble with daily functions i.e. sleeping, eating, etc. that persists for awhile you may need to talk to someone about it. Again that is up to you. A lot of people are not ready to fully digest all the sadness they have been given. If you are not ready that is OK too.

No one can say why so many bad things happen at once to certain people. But right now you don't need to hear stories about other people having experienced grief and loss, you need to let other people hear about your present grief and sadness. So if you are ready to talk to friends, relatives, a psychiatrist then talk about your loved ones that died. Remembering them and conveying your present feelings and emotions is appropriate. Even if that is anger, depression, or resentment towards them.

I hope this helps. :burnout:

/brohug.

 

[VerySneaky]

Sounds like you need to start your own family, 38 is not too late.
Sorry for your losses, but use them to strengthen yourself. Celebrate their lives and focus on the good. :beer:

 

[kevinatfms]

i have a family member that has been admitted into hospice care as of monday morning and it is a terrible feeling. stay strong and make sure they are as comfortable as possible and with zero pain.

keep strong.

 

[CobraBob]

I won't even add anything to this thread except to say that it contains some of the best advice I've read concerning helping others deal with tragedy. It's threads like this that continue to make SVTPerformance the best forum out there. I'm praying for you David.

 

[lawdog302]

I won't even add anything to this thread except to say that it contains some of the best advice I've read concerning helping others deal with tragedy. It's threads like this that continue to make SVTPerformance the best forum out there. I'm praying for you David.

I cant state it any better than this!

 

[MGC]

David, very sorry to hear of your losses.

Death is difficult for everyone, one way I deal with it is that I tell myself it's as much a part of living as living. Continue to honor the ones you've lost by keeping their memories close and trying to do what they would want you to do with your life.

I'm also not one to bring spirituality up, but I've found that having faith has helped me tremendously. It's comforting to know the ones I've lost are in a better place now.

Stay strong and keep your head up. Know that they are still watching over you and trying to help you, make them proud.

-Seth

 

[nocobrafornow]

i have a family member that has been admitted into hospice care as of monday morning and it is a terrible feeling. stay strong and make sure they are as comfortable as possible and with zero pain.

keep strong.

i know what you mean, hospice was coming in 3 times a week for the last month, it had gotten to hard to care for him ourselves. it just seemed like he kept holding on, and then one night we all sat with him, talked and made sure he knew we loved him and it was like he could finally just let go.
thanks to all of you for the support. and yes cobrabob SVTP does seem to have some very good members. thanks David

 

[nocobrafornow]

Well as a hospice volunteer I figure I can say some words that may or may not help, but hopefully you can take what you need from it.

First, I would like to say that I am sorry for the losses you are going through right now. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you.

Second, it is OK to be sad right now. You have obviously gone through quite a lot in the last year. If you don't feel like moving on or celebrating their lives at this time there is nothing wrong with that. You need to mourn at your own speed. Only you know how long that takes. For some people it's years before they can fully accept the death of a loved one.

That person was special to you and no one else knows that relationship like you do. Grieving takes time. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Focus on your needs right now. If you need to stay home and not talk to anyone because you are sad that is OK. You shouldn't feel guilty for the way you mourn someone special to you.

You also shouldn't feel guilty for going out and enjoying yourself. Life does go on although at the moment it may not feel like it. If you begin to have trouble with daily functions i.e. sleeping, eating, etc. that persists for awhile you may need to talk to someone about it. Again that is up to you. A lot of people are not ready to fully digest all the sadness they have been given. If you are not ready that is OK too.

No one can say why so many bad things happen at once to certain people. But right now you don't need to hear stories about other people having experienced grief and loss, you need to let other people hear about your present grief and sadness. So if you are ready to talk to friends, relatives, a psychiatrist then talk about your loved ones that died. Remembering them and conveying your present feelings and emotions is appropriate. Even if that is anger, depression, or resentment towards them.

I hope this helps. :burnout:[/Q
it seems so hard to move on at times because i feel like i'll forget what it was like to be around them and spend time with them. i feel guilty everyday because i wasn't even strong enough to go to the funeral and i still can't visit Mikes graves site. and if i can't go to pops funeral what kind of person does that make me.it's not that i don't want to honor them, it just feels like i'm saying goodbye and i can't do that. thanks for all the support David

 

[truebluedevil02]

it seems so hard to move on at times because i feel like i'll forget what it was like to be around them and spend time with them. i feel guilty everyday because i wasn't even strong enough to go to the funeral and i still can't visit Mikes graves site. and if i can't go to pops funeral what kind of person does that make me.it's not that i don't want to honor them, it just feels like i'm saying goodbye and i can't do that. thanks for all the support David

I have not gone to ANY of my families funerals over the past couple of years, rather I spend my time thinking of them in life rather than going to the funeral. Its nothing to feel guilty about, we all mourn in different ways. Death is just another part of life, bringing everything full circle. The fact that you still think of them all the time shows your love and admiration for those who have past. Keep your head up man:beer:

 

[texaswrx]

I lost my best friend last year, at the age of 40. I still deal with pain everyday. I also have feelings of guilt and anger. Cancer took him too soon. As others have said, live your life in the best way, be a kind person and so on. Loved ones would want you to enjoy your life, and carry them in your heart.
“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”
― Thomas Campbell

 

[ItsReal93]

it seems so hard to move on at times because i feel like i'll forget what it was like to be around them and spend time with them. i feel guilty everyday because i wasn't even strong enough to go to the funeral and i still can't visit Mikes graves site. and if i can't go to pops funeral what kind of person does that make me.it's not that i don't want to honor them, it just feels like i'm saying goodbye and i can't do that. thanks for all the support David

I couldn't go to my cousins grave site for a year. That's completely normal. You will know when you're ready, take your time. It can bring closure.

I know it's hard going to funerals, but you might want to reconsider. Not going does NOT make you a bad person. I only say try reconsidering because although sad and hard, it can also bring a ton of comfort being around his family and loved ones. Share stories, laugh, cry, form bonds with people that knew him best.

There's a difference between moving on, and forgetting someone. You can move on, and still remember. Everyday think of a favorite memory, go to places you've gone to with them, eat their favorite foods, it's little things like this that help, and of course if you have pictures keep them in a special place!

I hope you do message me, if I don't hear from you soon, I will keep in touch to see how you're doing. Stay strong