- Joined
- Jun 27, 2002
- Messages
- 2,908
Some of you may have remembered or commented on my thread about needing a car that fits 3 car seats only to find out i was having twins and would need 4. So bear with me its been two of the worst days of my life and just need to vent.
Well on friday, my wife called me at work. She had went to a miracle in progress 3d ultrasound place as she has done ever since she found out we were having twins (called "momo" twins; same sac identical, highest risk twin pregnancy, she would have been ordered into a hospital stay at 26 weeks til whenever they were to be birthed). At which they found no movement or heartbeat. They were healthy and vibrant (15 weeks) a week ago and then just with that maternal instinct she said she knew something was off when she got up. Apparently since they share the same sac, not alot or room and they tangled each others cords up. We were told they were girls. So i would have had 1 boy, my oldest at 2, my daughter at 11 months, and the twins.
We went to the hospital where they confirmed the worst and stated the two options were to wait until my wifes body began to reject them at home or admit into the maternity ward and have them force delivered. We chose the latter and were scheduled for the next day.
Its a sad, just heavy feeling walking into that maternity ward. Its a place were life is created and people are happy. Just 11 months ago we were there for our daughter. This time, and i have to admit the staff waa AMAZING. They put us in a room away from everyone else and hung a picture of a fallen leaf into a pond on the door. I saw this picture when i was there 11 months ago and thought it mist of been a fall themed thing.. turns out, its there to advise the staff that theres a miscarriage or still birth in that room and extra compassion should be taken. Crazy how 11 months ago i was onlivious in my own happiness that itd be on my door..
I lost it when i walked into the room. Seeing the warming table and other miscellenous newborn stuff. These things were not left out but they are in all the rooms it couldnt be helped. They gave my wife some pills and 10 hours later she birthed my two lifeless babies. Absoultely the hardest thing ive ever seen was my wife having to go through that process without the sound of your babies first cry.
After they were cleaned up the nurses informed us that they were infact boys, not girls. So it hit me super hard yet again after inhad been bracing myself for life without two little girls. They asked if we wamted to see them and deep down inside i knew i had too. My wife did as well. They wrapped them up together holding each other and left us to have our time. They were beautiful and i felt the same love i felt for my other two, but these were just not meant to stay with us.
A while later they told us there was a non profit group called Jalens Gift. These parents had still birthed their son after a medical mishap cost him his life. They offered us memory boxes and covered the price of cremation and the urn. They also took photographs, which i have to be honest bothered me. I mean they did it with our consent and asked us to hold them. Reason being as painful as it is now, years from now we may want to see them again. Its hard to explain if you havent been through it but afterwards it made me feel at peace. They stayed with us, the twins, through the night and the staff came in, everyone from the doctor, nurses etc and all gave us condolences. We were discharged the next day after the funeral home picked them up. Leaving empty handed and walking past the families of healthy babies hurt some but i dont begrudge them.. it just wasmt meant for us. The memory boxes had little blankets and a hat and quotes along with two tesdy bears bearing their hospital bracelets... lost it again part 2 when i had a moment alone..
We named them Langston (my wifes name choice she had her heart set on since our first) and i chose Lincoln (our kids have L names and it was the closest id get to hot rod name with an L)
Its been hard.. i keep thinking of all the things i wont be able to do with them, the "daddy!" I hear when i.come home amd the awkward toddler run amd smile.my son does...or the big grin my baby girl puts on and points at me..no watching them grow, no gsmes of catch, riding bikes, graduating, starting their own families.. its just been really heavy on my heart. But ive been putting on the brave face for my wife.. i wont let her see me crack.. shes takimg it rough as can be expected.. shes been in bed most of today and of course whem i try to get her out to go food shopping.. the balloons in the store when we walked in, thr biggest.one was "its a boy".. we had to leave.. for her sake im trying to find a way to comfort her. All the well wishes from friends and family have been tremendous but i know she will carry this for a long long time.
Sorry so long but i just needed to put it down somewhere and svtp has been a part of what.ive done daily for 10 years plus. I needed to try to do something thats part of my routine..
Hold your loved ones and children tight and give them a extra hug from us..
Fred
Well on friday, my wife called me at work. She had went to a miracle in progress 3d ultrasound place as she has done ever since she found out we were having twins (called "momo" twins; same sac identical, highest risk twin pregnancy, she would have been ordered into a hospital stay at 26 weeks til whenever they were to be birthed). At which they found no movement or heartbeat. They were healthy and vibrant (15 weeks) a week ago and then just with that maternal instinct she said she knew something was off when she got up. Apparently since they share the same sac, not alot or room and they tangled each others cords up. We were told they were girls. So i would have had 1 boy, my oldest at 2, my daughter at 11 months, and the twins.
We went to the hospital where they confirmed the worst and stated the two options were to wait until my wifes body began to reject them at home or admit into the maternity ward and have them force delivered. We chose the latter and were scheduled for the next day.
Its a sad, just heavy feeling walking into that maternity ward. Its a place were life is created and people are happy. Just 11 months ago we were there for our daughter. This time, and i have to admit the staff waa AMAZING. They put us in a room away from everyone else and hung a picture of a fallen leaf into a pond on the door. I saw this picture when i was there 11 months ago and thought it mist of been a fall themed thing.. turns out, its there to advise the staff that theres a miscarriage or still birth in that room and extra compassion should be taken. Crazy how 11 months ago i was onlivious in my own happiness that itd be on my door..
I lost it when i walked into the room. Seeing the warming table and other miscellenous newborn stuff. These things were not left out but they are in all the rooms it couldnt be helped. They gave my wife some pills and 10 hours later she birthed my two lifeless babies. Absoultely the hardest thing ive ever seen was my wife having to go through that process without the sound of your babies first cry.
After they were cleaned up the nurses informed us that they were infact boys, not girls. So it hit me super hard yet again after inhad been bracing myself for life without two little girls. They asked if we wamted to see them and deep down inside i knew i had too. My wife did as well. They wrapped them up together holding each other and left us to have our time. They were beautiful and i felt the same love i felt for my other two, but these were just not meant to stay with us.
A while later they told us there was a non profit group called Jalens Gift. These parents had still birthed their son after a medical mishap cost him his life. They offered us memory boxes and covered the price of cremation and the urn. They also took photographs, which i have to be honest bothered me. I mean they did it with our consent and asked us to hold them. Reason being as painful as it is now, years from now we may want to see them again. Its hard to explain if you havent been through it but afterwards it made me feel at peace. They stayed with us, the twins, through the night and the staff came in, everyone from the doctor, nurses etc and all gave us condolences. We were discharged the next day after the funeral home picked them up. Leaving empty handed and walking past the families of healthy babies hurt some but i dont begrudge them.. it just wasmt meant for us. The memory boxes had little blankets and a hat and quotes along with two tesdy bears bearing their hospital bracelets... lost it again part 2 when i had a moment alone..
We named them Langston (my wifes name choice she had her heart set on since our first) and i chose Lincoln (our kids have L names and it was the closest id get to hot rod name with an L)
Its been hard.. i keep thinking of all the things i wont be able to do with them, the "daddy!" I hear when i.come home amd the awkward toddler run amd smile.my son does...or the big grin my baby girl puts on and points at me..no watching them grow, no gsmes of catch, riding bikes, graduating, starting their own families.. its just been really heavy on my heart. But ive been putting on the brave face for my wife.. i wont let her see me crack.. shes takimg it rough as can be expected.. shes been in bed most of today and of course whem i try to get her out to go food shopping.. the balloons in the store when we walked in, thr biggest.one was "its a boy".. we had to leave.. for her sake im trying to find a way to comfort her. All the well wishes from friends and family have been tremendous but i know she will carry this for a long long time.
Sorry so long but i just needed to put it down somewhere and svtp has been a part of what.ive done daily for 10 years plus. I needed to try to do something thats part of my routine..
Hold your loved ones and children tight and give them a extra hug from us..
Fred
Last edited by a moderator:
