Today's tale of deception, drama, and gay sex (but not as much gay sex as the typical ricer story though) begins in my friend's driveway. We have my WS6 jacked up with the front wheels off because we were painting my calipers black. I mentioned to him that the kid across the street (ie pothole laden strip of asphalt and death) is selling his primered out Civic. My friend informs me that the kid just bought a new Civic, an SI, and is selling his old shitbox. I asked how much, since I would love to have a 4 cyl beater, and he says about $4k. I emphatically say F*CK THAT and we continue working on my sex machine (of sex). We are finishing up just as the kid (ie preteen douchebag that probably weighs as much as his horrendous OMG CARBON FIBER HOOD) pulls up in his new Civic SI with his girlfriend in tow. I immediately notice the following things:
1. It is in fact not an SI, but a normal Civic with the SIR badges you can buy at Auto Zone.
2. He has the car predictably riced out. CF hood, with locking hood pins (my theory is that they are so his dumb ricer friends don't steal his hood, not so it doesn't fly off or anything under XTREME RACING conditions), white rims, way too loud exhaust, and lowering springs that literally have him dragging his front fascia on the ground.
3. He has that ricer glint in his eye. You know the look, the one that says "Hey, I may be a career homosexual with a shitty car, a bad attitude, and no people skills whatsoever, but that doesn't mean I can't pay one of my sister's (ugliest) friends to hang out with me and pretend to be my girlfriend".
4. If I ever find a used copy of Metal Gear Solid for PS1 I am so buying that shit because that game kicks all kinds of ass.
So we choose to ignore him as he lands the jet of doom on his airstrip of solemn ineptitude, but like any commited ricer he decides to come talk cars with us. Long story short he provided us with the following bits of information about his car:
1. It came with 215 fwhp STOCK. Remember, it's not an Si (as if that's any better anyway) and he said stock.
2. His mods are an intake and exhaust. That's it. Oh yeah, he runs low 13s on street tires, because you know, if he had slicks he would be in the 11s.
3. He beats Mustangs and Camaros from a dig on the street all the time.
It just continued like that, and I basically got tired of it and interuppted him with this:
"I will race you for slips right now. With my engine off. You get the hit, I turn on my car and hawk your ass down like a serial rapist chasing your jailbait girlfriend".
Now, any BSer knows when to quit, but he AGREED. I didn't think he had the ricer credentials to pull such a Vin Dieselesque move, but here we are. We go to the local "dragstrip" (ie abandoned airport) and line them up. It's also important to know that this kid is a terrible driver. He stalled twice on the grueling 5 mile gauntlet to this place. So he's got his game face (ie the face of idiocy personified) on next to me, meanwhile I'm trying not to vomit at the reality that I will soon be a Civic owner. My friend decides to flag us, so after about 10-15 minutes of him gaining his composure from laughing so hard we set it up. The kid next to me must think he is in an EVO or STI because he decides to launch his stock fwd car at 7,000 rpms. By the time he is done wheel hopping my car is already on, in gear, and PASSING him. Car lengths turn to bus lengths which in turn become city blocks. I just raced a 16 year old jackass for slips and won.
Now, before any of you start criticizing me with "lol your stupid for racing for slips, you never know what could happen and then BAM your car is gone!", you have to realize that I never expected him to race me, nor did I expect him to actually hand over his car if he lost, and in the impossible alternate universe scenario that I would have lost, he wouldn't be getting my car either. I just wanted to shut him up but his ricerhood would not allow him to turn down a challenge from a car that has a 200hp advantage over his.
No, he did not give me his car. He stated that "Dude, I knew I would lose, I was just joking. There's no way I could beat that car, what does it run, like 10 second 1/4s?" Haha my gay little friend, I wish. So his 17+ second Honda lost to my high 12 second WS6 and he attributed it to, well, I'm not quite sure, since I tuned out as he was talking and thought about swimming in a pool of freshly grated romano cheese.
So if you want a summary of the story: Ricer makes ridiculous claims, gets called out for slips, RACES, loses, then hilariously backs out. I think there was some stuff about Metal Gear and cheese or something in there too. Why I put this handy summary at the end of the story after you have surely read the whole thing I do not know, maybe I'm still pissed that I don't have a Civic to mess with.
Thanks for reading :beer:
1. It is in fact not an SI, but a normal Civic with the SIR badges you can buy at Auto Zone.
2. He has the car predictably riced out. CF hood, with locking hood pins (my theory is that they are so his dumb ricer friends don't steal his hood, not so it doesn't fly off or anything under XTREME RACING conditions), white rims, way too loud exhaust, and lowering springs that literally have him dragging his front fascia on the ground.
3. He has that ricer glint in his eye. You know the look, the one that says "Hey, I may be a career homosexual with a shitty car, a bad attitude, and no people skills whatsoever, but that doesn't mean I can't pay one of my sister's (ugliest) friends to hang out with me and pretend to be my girlfriend".
4. If I ever find a used copy of Metal Gear Solid for PS1 I am so buying that shit because that game kicks all kinds of ass.
So we choose to ignore him as he lands the jet of doom on his airstrip of solemn ineptitude, but like any commited ricer he decides to come talk cars with us. Long story short he provided us with the following bits of information about his car:
1. It came with 215 fwhp STOCK. Remember, it's not an Si (as if that's any better anyway) and he said stock.
2. His mods are an intake and exhaust. That's it. Oh yeah, he runs low 13s on street tires, because you know, if he had slicks he would be in the 11s.
3. He beats Mustangs and Camaros from a dig on the street all the time.
It just continued like that, and I basically got tired of it and interuppted him with this:
"I will race you for slips right now. With my engine off. You get the hit, I turn on my car and hawk your ass down like a serial rapist chasing your jailbait girlfriend".
Now, any BSer knows when to quit, but he AGREED. I didn't think he had the ricer credentials to pull such a Vin Dieselesque move, but here we are. We go to the local "dragstrip" (ie abandoned airport) and line them up. It's also important to know that this kid is a terrible driver. He stalled twice on the grueling 5 mile gauntlet to this place. So he's got his game face (ie the face of idiocy personified) on next to me, meanwhile I'm trying not to vomit at the reality that I will soon be a Civic owner. My friend decides to flag us, so after about 10-15 minutes of him gaining his composure from laughing so hard we set it up. The kid next to me must think he is in an EVO or STI because he decides to launch his stock fwd car at 7,000 rpms. By the time he is done wheel hopping my car is already on, in gear, and PASSING him. Car lengths turn to bus lengths which in turn become city blocks. I just raced a 16 year old jackass for slips and won.
Now, before any of you start criticizing me with "lol your stupid for racing for slips, you never know what could happen and then BAM your car is gone!", you have to realize that I never expected him to race me, nor did I expect him to actually hand over his car if he lost, and in the impossible alternate universe scenario that I would have lost, he wouldn't be getting my car either. I just wanted to shut him up but his ricerhood would not allow him to turn down a challenge from a car that has a 200hp advantage over his.
No, he did not give me his car. He stated that "Dude, I knew I would lose, I was just joking. There's no way I could beat that car, what does it run, like 10 second 1/4s?" Haha my gay little friend, I wish. So his 17+ second Honda lost to my high 12 second WS6 and he attributed it to, well, I'm not quite sure, since I tuned out as he was talking and thought about swimming in a pool of freshly grated romano cheese.
So if you want a summary of the story: Ricer makes ridiculous claims, gets called out for slips, RACES, loses, then hilariously backs out. I think there was some stuff about Metal Gear and cheese or something in there too. Why I put this handy summary at the end of the story after you have surely read the whole thing I do not know, maybe I'm still pissed that I don't have a Civic to mess with.
Thanks for reading :beer:
And yes your ride is pure SEX!! and I'm not biased in any way. :coolman:
