How To Survive Becoming A Single Parent

[DavidHasselhoff]

So, I just got out of a pretty ugly custody battle...Not going to get too heavy into details, but we finally settled. I'm 27 & have a 1 yr old daughter. The mother & I were on/off for the better part of 10 years. After birth, she lost it & isn't the same person anymore..even though we had our issues before this. I highly doubt there's a shot that we'd ever get back together. I really want to, just for our daughter's benefit. I hate thinking about her growing up with two halves & not a whole family...It's quite depressing. Honestly, it wouldn't be good all to get back with her mother.

So, I have roughly 30% physical custody & pay a hefty amount in child support. How do I go about adjusting to this. I had my daughter for her first unsupervised, overnight stay with me last Friday. I was terrified at first, but honestly I loved it. It wasn't bad at all & I got to actually bond with my daughter. I love her personality, & now I don't feel oppressed by her mother & actually feel that my daughter does in fact love me & we can just hangout & bond.

Quick Rundown:
Before we broke up, I slept on the couch for the 10 months the mother lived with me after birth. I couldn't hold my own daughter the first 3 months. I wasn't allowed to take her anywheres on my own (to my parent's house to visit). The mother controlled everything & trusted me very, very little. She developed bad OCD & germaphobia, preventing us from taking my daughter anywheres. It basically my whole first year of being a father to my child. I just wanted to do family activities, like everyone else I saw that had kids. Nothing crazy, but I wanted to enjoy being a parent & family. That's about as far as I'll go into that. Lets just say, it gets a lot worse ...Fast forward to the breakup...she moved in with her parents (She was stay at home, I paid everything, etc.) She had it good, no worries...So anyway, she kept my daughter from me the entire custody battle & said she wouldn't give me my daughter until it was in writing & signed by a judge. I had to get a lawyer & filed for split custody..she cane back with claims going for sole custody..I had to get another lawyer & luckily I had tons of videos & texts discrediting her claims..so her lawyer reached out to mine for a settlement two days before court. She dragged out her control over my daughter as long as possible, but I had to bite my tongue some on the settlement so I could see my daughter for Christmas. We settled last Wednesday.

Now, I have freedom with my daughter. I wish I could have gotten more custody with my daughter, but with work, this is pretty much the max amount that I can do.

How do I go about "moving on"? Relationships? I'm really against bringing any new people around my daughter, at least at this point. I'm also hesitant on even finding someone now. I don't know if I have time for another person now. I'm just lost at this point when it comes to anything other than my daughter & work.

I want to reach out to the mother & try to salvage this, but she thinks I plotted all of this...I don't know. I guess I'm in some sort of depression, worrying about my daughter having to eventually deal with the mother & I's problem of not getting along. She's too young to understand, but eventually she will & that hurts & scares me.

Any opinions, tips, etc. Anything really. I know how to love & take care of my daughter, it comes natural. I'm just baffled on what else to do now with my "free" time i.e. when I'm not working & when I'm not with my daughter. How do I approach relationships? Do I try & mend this relationship in hopes of it actually working. I know split couples with kids is the norm nowadays, but it isn't how I was brought up or pictured this. I don't like failing & feel like I failed my daughter.

 

[Never_Enough]

She still has a whole family.

 

[SID297]

Sounds like both of you need some counseling (her's being more toward the mental health side). Sounds like you feel guilt over a situation you could not control, you're going to have to overcome that.

 

[Zemedici]

Its better to have two separate, happier families than one broken one. I would not worry about dating or relationships atm, just bust your hoof so you're able to provide for your daughter. That does NOT mean you cant have a little fun when your daughter is not with you, though. Gotta relax sometime.

 

[4stang6]

Well of course priority #1 = Daughter.
Thats about all you should be concerned about at this point, Once the dust settles, and you have a good consistent routine down(Work, Daughter, Life balance) Then finding another girl would be #2....You cant get depressed over not being with the mother, And lets be honest here for a sec, Alot of people say "i want to be together for my kids sake, blah blah blah" When in reality they just want to be back together with the mom.... Dont get that way dude, It sounds like it went down ugly, and for sure you dont want to go down that path with the same person that sounds mentally unstable again!
Time will be precedence, Be patient and things will start working out for you, I do understand shes the mother of your child, But let her do her own thing, Dont pay any attention to her unless you hear from others its negative behavior that could be jeopardizing your daughters well being, Then i would indeed pay attention.Unfriend her from all social media(works better) and just talk to her about DAUGHTER and nothing else is... I believe your not mentally in the right state at this time either just because the way things went down, But you'll bounce back dude, Be patient, Pray alot, and things will work out in the end.

 

[BlueSnake01]

Keep in mind that there might be another “dad" at one point in your daughters life. Don’t lose your crap over this, i’ve seen it happen with some friends and it gets ugly. You’re the only dad and make sure the mom knows it.

What the rest said as well, some kids actually grow up better with separated parents than a broken family. Be the best parent you can be for your daughter. It wont be easy but remember, having kids is a blessing. Dont ever forget that.

 

[DavidHasselhoff]

Keep in mind that there might be another “dad" at one point in your daughters life. Don’t lose your crap over this, i’ve seen it happen with some friends and it gets ugly. You’re the only dad and make sure the mom knows it.

What the rest said as well, some kids actually grow up better with separated parents than a broken family. Be the best parent you can be for your daughter. It wont be easy but remember, having kids is a blessing. Dont ever forget that.

This scares the living crap out of me.

 

[Dip Dungles]

Dealt with this with my 7 year old.

Best advice my lawyer ever told me...
1 - Drop all social media relations with her
2 - Bite your tongue on everything. Be the better person
3 - Pick your battles
4 - never fight in front of the child
5 - keep major conversations to text. That way you can have them just in case she decides to drink the crazy cool-aid


There will be another male figure in your daughters life, that's inevitable, but remember she knows that you are daddy. There is nothing that can take that away.

Always take the high road and NEVER talk shit about her mother in front of her. If baby mama does your daughter will eventually pick up on it and she will see the situation as it really is.

Nothing is better then when you don't have custody and your child says he/she wants to come live with you instead of mom. I will never forget that day.

 

[Blown38]

Well of course priority #1 = Daughter.
Thats about all you should be concerned about at this point, Once the dust settles, and you have a good consistent routine down(Work, Daughter, Life balance) Then finding another girl would be #2....You cant get depressed over not being with the mother, And lets be honest here for a sec, Alot of people say "i want to be together for my kids sake, blah blah blah" When in reality they just want to be back together with the mom.... Dont get that way dude, It sounds like it went down ugly, and for sure you dont want to go down that path with the same person that sounds mentally unstable again!
Time will be precedence, Be patient and things will start working out for you, I do understand shes the mother of your child, But let her do her own thing, Dont pay any attention to her unless you hear from others its negative behavior that could be jeopardizing your daughters well being, Then i would indeed pay attention.Unfriend her from all social media(works better) and just talk to her about DAUGHTER and nothing else is... I believe your not mentally in the right state at this time either just because the way things went down, But you'll bounce back dude, Be patient, Pray alot, and things will work out in the end.

Keep in mind that there might be another “dad" at one point in your daughters life. Don’t lose your crap over this, i’ve seen it happen with some friends and it gets ugly. You’re the only dad and make sure the mom knows it.

What the rest said as well, some kids actually grow up better with separated parents than a broken family. Be the best parent you can be for your daughter. It wont be easy but remember, having kids is a blessing. Dont ever forget that.

Dealt with this with my 7 year old.

Best advice my lawyer ever told me...
1 - Drop all social media relations with her
2 - Bite your tongue on everything. Be the better person
3 - Pick your battles
4 - never fight in front of the child
5 - keep major conversations to text. That way you can have them just in case she decides to drink the crazy cool-aid


There will be another male figure in your daughters life, that's inevitable, but remember she knows that you are daddy. There is nothing that can take that away.

Always take the high road and NEVER talk shit about her mother in front of her. If baby mama does your daughter will eventually pick up on it and she will see the situation as it really is.

Nothing is better then when you don't have custody and your child says he/she wants to come live with you instead of mom. I will never forget that day.

What these dudes said.

My situation sounds just like yours OP.

 

[Beavis281]

I could go into great deal with the nightmare situation I have going on with my baby momma. I'm well versed in this situation.

You are getting good advice from dip dungles.

 

[Dip Dungles]

Oh and last part. Wrap it up B!!

Until you find a woman that loves you both and you know you want to spend the rest of you're life with her wrap it up.

 

[DavidHasselhoff]

What these dudes said.

My situation sounds just like yours OP.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's quite disheartening to learn that this is pretty common nowadays. :/

 

[DavidHasselhoff]

Oh and last part. Wrap it up B!!

Until you find a woman that loves you both and you know you want to spend the rest of you're life with her wrap it up.

Trust me, I'm wrapping n pulling out lol. Plus I'm not trying to catch anything.

 

[Screw-Rice]

Hoff, from what I know from replies here, you seem like a good guy and I would follow the quoted as good advice. Never speak ill of the mom, that will speak volumes, while she likely trashes you to everyone.

If the mom has that many issues I would try for more custody if that's possible, or at a minimum push the mom into counseling any way possible) (as these mental issues will impact your daughter as she ages.

As for you, don't stress over new relationships. Don't hide you have a daughter (some women don't want an instant family, others don't mind), and just date like normal. However I would urge you to be more discriminating for your future partner and be totally open to make sure you two are on the same page. Unless you're just looking to hookup.

Keep working, build relationships, and be a good dad. It will come together for you.

Dealt with this with my 7 year old.

Best advice my lawyer ever told me...
1 - Drop all social media relations with her
2 - Bite your tongue on everything. Be the better person
3 - Pick your battles
4 - never fight in front of the child
5 - keep major conversations to text. That way you can have them just in case she decides to drink the crazy cool-aid


There will be another male figure in your daughters life, that's inevitable, but remember she knows that you are daddy. There is nothing that can take that away.

Always take the high road and NEVER talk shit about her mother in front of her. If baby mama does your daughter will eventually pick up on it and she will see the situation as it really is.

Nothing is better then when you don't have custody and your child says he/she wants to come live with you instead of mom. I will never forget that day.

 

[derklug]

While divorce and separation are hard on children, living in a dysfunctional marriage does them no good , either. A few years after my divorce, my son commented on how much calmer and happier I had become. You think you are hiding it from the children, but the tension wears on the entire household.
Live, be happy and enjoy your daughter.

 

[mikes35]

The comments about not talking bad about the mother are so true. Just remember a child needs both a mother and father. It's not her fault she is in that situation, if you and the mom don't talk bad about each other then your daughter won't feel like she's in the middle. She and you will be just fine!

 

[Coming Up]

OP, how'd you end up with only 30%, how is that figured out. You don't have to answer if you dont want to.

 

[DavidHasselhoff]

OP, how'd you end up with only 30%, how is that figured out. You don't have to answer if you dont want to.

Nothing bad. I'm VP of a mechanical company, so I'm pretty maxed out at ~30% custody.

Also she was the primary care giver and stay at home when we were together. Looking at precedents similar to my situation, 30% is about the norm..i.e. work schedule, primary caregiver, etc. The mother still has no job & is going back to school online, so she has all the time in the world.

I get her every other weekend for overnight stays from Fri 4PM to Sun 6PM. I get her every Wed for an overnight stay 4PM - 10AM. I also get her every Monday & Friday from 4PM to 8PM on the weeks I don't have her on the weekends. I see her a good bit, about every other day..but not all day like the mother is getting.

I put child support in our settlement since she didn't file for it & I was paying it out of good faith & the fact that my daughter wouldn't starve. She gets over $1000 a month with health insurance included & I also pay all medical expenses.

I wish I could see my daughter everyday..I miss walking in from work & seeing her smile every day, but on my own it's just not possible without putting her in child care. Her mother is a great mom, but that's about all that she's good at. I'd rather her with one of us or a family member, than strangers.

She tried going for sole custody after I filed for split custody, because she was keeping my daughter from me. I was forced to file, but I did so in a civil & fair manner..she was spiteful that I cut HER off financially, not my daughter. She claimed domestic violence, luckily I had camera phone videos of the incidents that she claimed this happened..the videos showed totally different things than what she claimed. That's why her freebie lawyer wanted to settle two days before court due to a thing called discovery. I had to shuck out 10 grand for not one, but two lawyers. One for the custody & then had to get one that specialized in "Oh Shit, Abuse?" cases. It's so wrong what she tried doing...I have nothing on my record other than speeding tickets...she tried keeping my daughter from me. That's just wrong. I had videos of her beating my ass & also of her saying she'd hurt herself & tell the cops it was me, as well. I could have technically gone for sole custody if I wanted, but I didn't out of respect for the fact that she's my daughter's mother. We're supposed to be equal influences in our daughter's life, regardless of if we get along or not. I may be an asshole, but I have a strong moral & logical foundation when it comes to serious matters. I might joke on here, but this is my child's life that will have to suffer because of OUR issues...I don't want my innocent daughter to suffer because of our grown ass problems. She'll have to though, since the mother couldn't ever compromise or work things out, yet point the finger at me. Her actions have spoken louder than any words the past 4 months.

Funny thing is, the entire 4 months of her & her family controlling my daughter..they claimed if they let me take her for a few hours, I'd hold her hostage or some crap..but weren't they the ones doing that? I hate people like that. I could only see my daughter when they let me & it was miserable....no quality time at all, always under their watch, yet I gave her a check every week in order to see my daughter, because I got a recording of her saying, if I didn't pay, I can't see my daughter. Pretty ****ed up. I had to bite my tongue for 4 months & settled as quick as possibly to get her for Christmas. It was just a very bad situation, yet her & her family always pointed the finger at me & made BS assumptions like I'd kidnap my daughter or something. At one point, her father got in my face at one of the visits yelling at me, claiming I did that to his daughter & "How do you like this?"...I wasn't phased & said with a straight, unbothered face that it didn't bother me...and he went off saying "That's your ****ing problem." How is me not getting bothered by someone in my face a problem? He was trying to say his daughter him me because I provoked her..I couldn't touch him of course, they have like 10 people living in their house (a few brother n sisters with kids that are single parents, runs in the family I guess), so I'd end up in jail & would of probably lost a shot at custody of my daughter.

Anyway, I could keep going on, but simply..30% is my max for now at her age of 1, maybe at an older age when she is less dependent, I'll go for more custody.

 

[DavidHasselhoff]

Hoff, from what I know from replies here, you seem like a good guy and I would follow the quoted as good advice. Never speak ill of the mom, that will speak volumes, while she likely trashes you to everyone.

If the mom has that many issues I would try for more custody if that's possible, or at a minimum push the mom into counseling any way possible) (as these mental issues will impact your daughter as she ages.

As for you, don't stress over new relationships. Don't hide you have a daughter (some women don't want an instant family, others don't mind), and just date like normal. However I would urge you to be more discriminating for your future partner and be totally open to make sure you two are on the same page. Unless you're just looking to hookup.

Keep working, build relationships, and be a good dad. It will come together for you.

I appreciate the compliment man. I doubt the mother will harm my daughter, she's a great mom...but that's about all she's good at. I'm kinda tapped out on time due to work with my current custody agreement. I want more, but I mean it's probably not going to be accepted to see my daughter every day for a few hours...so I kept it to about every other day, so I'm constantly around her.

The relationship thing..I'm just very guarded on even bringing someone back to my home..even when my daughter isn't there. I'm very guarded on committing now...idk if I'll ever truly give in to someone fully ever again after getting burnt this bad by somebody I did so much for.

 

[Screw-Rice]

I appreciate the compliment man. I doubt the mother will harm my daughter, she's a great mom...but that's about all she's good at. I'm kinda tapped out on time due to work with my current custody agreement. I want more, but I mean it's probably not going to be accepted to see my daughter every day for a few hours...so I kept it to about every other day, so I'm constantly around her.

The relationship thing..I'm just very guarded on even bringing someone back to my home..even when my daughter isn't there. I'm very guarded on committing now...idk if I'll ever truly give in to someone fully ever again after getting burnt this bad by somebody I did so much for.

You're a good guy, but sounds like your ex doesn't agree. You may think she's a good mom, but I would be willing to wager she will trash you as your daughter gets older to make you a villain. Don't let it get to you though and stay neutral, your daughter will piece it together in time. Might be hard to hear but that's the impression I'm getting, so stay on the defense.

As to new relationships, get out there and you'll know if you find the right girl. It's up to you to decide to go have some fun or focus on a true partner that enhances your life. If you're wanting the ladder, then leave yourself open incase you meet the right girl. You'll know when you know, not something you can plan, but you will only find it if you don;t keep up a wall.

Best of luck man, you're a good dude and will do the right thing.