When is it time to give up on family?

[Gooch03]

People say never to turn your back on family but is this true? What if someone is so far gone it affects your day to day life and is constantly on your mind. I have watched my oldest brother marry someone recently who he allows to manipulate and control every aspect of his life. He has a son who is mentally challenged and has nothing to do with him anymore because his wife says the boy who is 5, disrespects her. When he is with them he stays in the room and stares at the wall, not allowed to watch TV with the other kid, in fear of interacting. Both of them continually insult our parents and take seeing the kids away from them on a regular basis over trivial bs like they talked to their grandson by calling his real mom instead of going through her, as if they need permission. I don't keep anything so close to me that I can't go on without it, anyone else ever stop speaking to a family member?

 

[Sick03Vert]

Never. Family is all you have in this world.

No matter what, they are the ones who have your back and you have theirs. Granted, some may make you wonder if that's really true. But when the shit hits the fan...I bet you find out it is.

Now, as far as not speaking to them....I have a few I interact with less than others, but if they needed help I'd be there.

 

[Snake Pliskin]

Never give up. The treatment of the 5 year old sounds concerning and if true is dangerously close to child abuse.

 

[Torch10th]

This situation sounds like something you probably just need to let go and put out of your head.

You have to understand that you and your parents have no actual rights to your brother's children. So long as the kid isn't being neglected or abused, that will continue to be the case.

If you're brother is happy where he's at, then it's his life and you need to let him live it how he wants. Just as you would want to live your life how you want.

Be there for them when you can and when they need it though. You shouldn't ever turn your back on family.

 

[Gooch03]

This situation sounds like something you probably just need to let go and put out of your head.

You have to understand that you and your parents have no actual rights to your brother's children. So long as the kid isn't being neglected or abused, that will continue to be the case.

If you're brother is happy where he's at, then it's his life and you need to let him live it how he wants. Just as you would want to live your life how you want.

Be there for them when you can and when they need it though. You shouldn't ever turn your back on family.

You're right. I should of stated my question better, its more about her, trying to get along with her and I honestly believe we never will. It makes it really difficult.

 

[amoosenamedhank]

Never. Family is all you have in this world.

No matter what, they are the ones who have your back and you have theirs. Granted, some may make you wonder if that's really true. But when the shit hits the fan...I bet you find out it is.

Now, as far as not speaking to them....I have a few I interact with less than others, but if they needed help I'd be there.

That's fun to say... but there have been plenty of family members who have murder each other... this isn't so black and white.

 

[Zemedici]

That's fun to say... but there have been plenty of family members who have murder each other... this isn't so black and white.

those are extreme circumstances, definitely far from the norm. Show me a case where drugs/mental psychosis wasnt involved, I bet it will be hard to find.

That being said. Family is forever, you are born with family and you will carry them to the grave with you. Sure, you may not get along with certain members of your family, but THAT is normal. However, you should not shun them, as they are a part of you that you cannot simply erase. You need to embrace them for who they are, and help them when they need it.

OP, have you talked to your brother? Take a vacation, just the 2 of you: fishing trip, ski trip, what have you, and try to bring him out to talk about it. See if he is happy in his current situation, and act accordingly.

 

[Torch10th]

You're right. I should of stated my question better, its more about her, trying to get along with her and I honestly believe we never will. It makes it really difficult.

Keep in mind, there's no laws or doctrine on the books that says you have to like your brother's wife. I can tell you that I absolutely hate my cousin's wife. She's obnoxious, entitled, bigoted and thinks she's the best thing since the microwave over.

I don't see that cousin as much any more and that's certainly partly to blame. However by telling myself that it's his life and not mine, it makes it so I don't lose sleep over the issue.

It's perfectly okay to hate her and it's certainly okay to tell your brother that as well. Honesty sucks sometimes but it's awfully helpful. Let your brother know you don't like his wife, but that you're not going to stop being his brother.

 

[Outlaw99]

never give up on them. always have hope and believe.

you can however cut their asses off.

 

[FourSixPony]

I can't stand when people say you should never stop talking to family and shit like that, you must have the perfect life/family to say stuff like that.

My dad was never around, once in a great moon, he was not a good dude, lived pretty much in the same town as me my whole life too. He passed away couple years ago, I never talked to him, so I didn't waste my time going to the funeral and stuff. Never shed a tear.

My mom is a POS too. I have gone years without talking to her, and the only reason I communicate with her now is since she is dieing from cancer, my girlfriend wants our son to see her once in awhile because it's his grandmother and my girlfriend does pretty much all the communicating with her so I don't have too. Just thinking about her enrages me.

Just because someone is blood doesn't mean they are good people, if I have a POS family member then I have no problem kicking them to the curb. Not gonna bring me down.

 

[Sick03Vert]

That's fun to say... but there have been plenty of family members who have murder each other... this isn't so black and white.

Oh I NEVER said family violence doesn't happen unfortunately. That's a fact of life. BUT...I stand by my stance that family is forever. Plus, see below:

those are extreme circumstances, definitely far from the norm. Show me a case where drugs/mental psychosis wasnt involved, I bet it will be hard to find.

That being said. Family is forever, you are born with family and you will carry them to the grave with you. Sure, you may not get along with certain members of your family, but THAT is normal. However, you should not shun them, as they are a part of you that you cannot simply erase. You need to embrace them for who they are, and help them when they need it.

OP, have you talked to your brother? Take a vacation, just the 2 of you: fishing trip, ski trip, what have you, and try to bring him out to talk about it. See if he is happy in his current situation, and act accordingly.

+1. I should just stop posting my own thoughts and automatically +1 Zem everytime he posts. It's like the guy is in my head or something!:beer:

 

[ON D BIT]

Never forget them and never stop loving them. You can separate them from your life if that is what they have chosen to do. However always(ALWAYS) leave room for them to come back into your life if they choose to.

A cousin of mine married a man who was an ass, and he took her away from all aspects of her family. The one time she put her foot down down was to show up for our grandmas funeral, we were all so proud of her for doing that. They were together for about 10-15 years when he o/d. A few years later I ran into her in Tahoe and slowly but surely she is mending fences to the family she left with her new husband.:beer:

 

[Torch10th]

Just because someone is blood doesn't mean they are good people, if I have a POS family member then I have no problem kicking them to the curb. Not gonna bring me down.

This statement right here is the root of so many family issues.

It's certainly true that just because somebody is family, does not make them good people. However, giving up on them and not letting them bring you down is probably why they are bad people to begin with. Somewhere along the lines they had a problem and somebody made the decision that they weren't going to help.

I've seen violent drug addicts go from being on the street to to a functioning member of society simply because their family didn't give up on them when they certainly could have.

 

[Gooch03]

I think he knows I'm always going to be there for him. As he would be for me if I needed him. I guess it just sucks that this is happening. In the same regard I have to let them know that I refuse to be treated like dirt as well. He has told me before 1 on 1 that shes a b**** and controlling but he has a duty to his kids and they come first, but then his first son is scared to death of them. I refuse to let my brothers wife cuss me out and degrade me and attempt to control my life as well. Maybe one day it will all blow over. Thanks for the help guys, its been on me for a while.

 

[Blackoyote]

The old saying that you can pick your friends, not your family...I think is complete horseshit. Your family is those who you care about and who truly care about you...I'm lucky that I have a great direct family (mother, father, brother, and grandpa), but the rest of the people I consider family are the friends who have stuck with me throughout the years. These are the people who my kids will call their aunts and uncles, not some garbage junkies who are 'blood' and therefore family. I think to not write someone off who has little to nothing to do with your life, who has zero care for your well being, is ridiculous just because they are 'blood.'

 

[Torch10th]

I think he knows I'm always going to be there for him. As he would be for me if I needed him. I guess it just sucks that this is happening. In the same regard I have to let them know that I refuse to be treated like dirt as well. He has told me before 1 on 1 that shes a b**** and controlling but he has a duty to his kids and they come first, but then his first son is scared to death of them. I refuse to let my brothers wife cuss me out and degrade me and attempt to control my life as well. Maybe one day it will all blow over. Thanks for the help guys, its been on me for a while.

Don't let her. She's not your wife, if she wants to bitch at you, walk away. She wants to call you, hang up on her.

You're not her husband, so you don't have to put up with stuff like that. Instead of arguing back, just walk away.

 

[Zerohe]

Blood has its place in this world. So your brothers handicapped/challenged son is not his wifes child? and she treats their child better than that? Sounds like your brother needs to straighten his shit out. I dont know the man all i know is that its unacceptable for him to be treated any different than the other child. Your brother needs to put his foot down. Nothing kills grandparents other than being denied their grandkids. I know. I've seen. Ive been in a situation with my moms boyfriend. Was only really there for my mom. Me and my youngest brother moved out. Hes still there in a school/work program. he calls me and tells me about how my moms POS boyfriend gets away with shit that i wouldnt let fly when we were at home. I tell her that if it continues you will not be allowed to see your grandchildren and you will lose the only family you have in this world and thats your 3 boys. Dads side is all about Family and getting together every couple months. Mom was the only one who went to college out of her whole dope-smoking, dropout family. Ive seen my maternal grandfather maybe 3 times in my entire 24 years, every time he just looked like he was living in the woods, high as a kite. I wonder as i type this.... does he know he has a great grandaughter? Is he even alive? So i think when the concept hits her that were gone and aint coming back shell wake up but itll be too late. It can be super frustrating dealing with those you care about and want to keep in your life. but i agree with some, be a judge of character. Dont shut the door on them forever. You guys got drunk and threw hands? Your brothers, you do that. GF cheat on you with your brother? Hate to say it, She was a hoe to begin with. Hes out on the streets shootin heavy shit up, you take him in and try to get him clean. when he crosses the line and doesnt want help and continues to do wrong, thats when you have to wash your hands of it.

 

[ArmedSuspect]

since you can't pick your family, why should you be "stuck" with them?




i've got some real shit bag family members... at some point i had to wash my hands and walk away. really sad and unfortunate that it's come to that but there's only so much i can do / take.

unfortunately, even when all the chips are down, your family doesn't always have your back.




edit: in the case of a family members spouse.... tell her to pound sand.





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[Zemedici]

Oh I NEVER said family violence doesn't happen unfortunately. That's a fact of life. BUT...I stand by my stance that family is forever. Plus, see below:



+1. I should just stop posting my own thoughts and automatically +1 Zem everytime he posts. It's like the guy is in my head or something!:beer:

awh yeah buddy :beer:

This statement right here is the root of so many family issues.

It's certainly true that just because somebody is family, does not make them good people. However, giving up on them and not letting them bring you down is probably why they are bad people to begin with. Somewhere along the lines they had a problem and somebody made the decision that they weren't going to help.

I've seen violent drug addicts go from being on the street to to a functioning member of society simply because their family didn't give up on them when they certainly could have.

Bingo. As stands my statement on drugs; it is not your fault that a family member is on drugs, but wouldnt you want to try to help them if you could, as you would want them to do to you if you were headed down the wrong path? My family has steered me clear of many issues, sure at the time I didnt understand, but now, in retrospect, i cannot thank them enough. Family looks out for one another.

Also, there is a difference between 'being related' and being a family, dont forget that.

There are some people that wouldnt back you up, but you should not pull the whole 'what do i get out of it' routine. That defeats the purpose, you should look out for them/help them because its the right thing to do. Even if you dont get any 'reward' for doing it.

 

[thomas91169]

i figured this was going to be a thread where you had like a brother that was a junkie, in and out of rehab every month, that youve already tried to help stay clean and on the straight and narrow for the last decade, whos stolen from you on multiple occassions just to get his fix.

Thats some shit thats legitimately reasons for "giving up on family", as "once a junkie, always a junkie" comes to mind.

You, you just have your run of the mill family bullshit/drama.