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SVTPerformance's Chain of Restaurants
Road Side Pub
Saturday Pre-Irma Jokes, for the men
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<blockquote data-quote="spectreman" data-source="post: 15694117" data-attributes="member: 175436"><p>I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I'm your sister."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ </p><p>A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt! </p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.</p><p>She was delighted.</p><p>I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her.</p><p>She was ecstatic.</p><p>I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough.</p><p>But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes ****ing nuts!</p><p>Women, I can't figure them out.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."</p><p>The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier."</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Dear Dr. Phil:</p><p>I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing top-less from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded... watching me.</p><p>Is she a pervert or what?</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.</p><p>The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.</p><p>A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!"</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Got this text from my brother recently.</p><p>It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while?</p><p>The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.</p><p>For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail.</p><p>I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party.</p><p>In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."</p><p>I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!"</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>I saw a fortune teller the other day.</p><p>She told me I would come into some money.</p><p>Last night I screwed a girl named Penny.</p><p>Is that spooky or what?</p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"</p><p>Apparently, "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="spectreman, post: 15694117, member: 175436"] I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I'm your sister." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes ****ing nuts! Women, I can't figure them out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing top-less from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded... watching me. Is she a pervert or what? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer. [/QUOTE]
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SVTPerformance's Chain of Restaurants
Road Side Pub
Saturday Pre-Irma Jokes, for the men
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