I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I'm your sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough.
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes ****ing nuts!
Women, I can't figure them out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing top-less from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded... watching me.
Is she a pervert or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.
For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail.
I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl named Penny.
Is that spooky or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"
Apparently, "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough.
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes ****ing nuts!
Women, I can't figure them out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing top-less from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded... watching me.
Is she a pervert or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.
For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail.
I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl named Penny.
Is that spooky or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"
Apparently, "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.
