Parental ideas needed...(Religious or Not) All appreciated.

[LostRacer]

I've been a bit torn lately. I have a 14 y/o daughter who is in her first year of high school and (getting used to the new environment). Her school work has been exceptional for the most part minus 2 classes. I'm pretty strict when it comes to grades and life accomplishments. I reward well for doing well. Pretty straightforward I'd think.

My household is not religious. I have nothing against those that are. My mom is constantly trying to get me back into church, but due to some belief differences I don't go. My daughter on the other hand has found a new interest in church. She found a plae that she likes and has shown considerable interest in going each week. They have a youth organized version that she interested in. I'm all for her showing interest however I am concerned with her 2 classes she is not doing so well in. She is not failing either one but is just a sneeze away unfortunately. She has been asking me each week to go these church events, but because I know she enjoys them I've denied her until she gets her grades up. She tried to tell me yesterday that she thinks it may help by her going. I think this is what stumped me in my actions that I've been taking. No offense to those that are religious, but I'd rather my daughter rely on her confidence and personal skill to accel in school rather than use religion as a crutch. I'm not quite sure how to portray that to her and not discourage her from religion as well as keep her confidence in real life in positive light.

Any insight would be great. I tried to go over my writing to check for errors but things pop into my head and half thoughts come out mid sentence. Sorry about that. lol.

I'm aware this is a critical stage in her life as well. 3 more years and real life decisions have real life effects on ones self. I just want to do as much as I can to prepare her.

Did I even ask a question?? If not, here it is:

Am I handling this incorrectly? What should I be focussing on?

Thank you.

 

[astrocreep96]

If you think her church group may have a positive impact in her life (other than "she simply likes hanging out with the youth group") then I would let her go despite her grades.

I understand rewarding her for doing well, but I would think there are other things she enjoys that you can dangle as a carrot to encourage her.

Spirituality/Religion (or lack thereof) is an important aspect of one's life that helps define a person at her age - I don't think it is a good idea to use it for leverage.

I'm atheist, by the way. I'm not advocating for religion per se, rather advocating that which may help her build herself.

 

[STAMPEDE3]

^^

i agree, if it makes her happy or feel more complete then her grades may come up on their own.

 

[vertcobra99]

I would continue to let her do the youth group at the church. It will keep her out of trouble and introduce her to kids with good morals. I don't think the bad grades has anything to do with the church group. If anything its her lack of focus during the week. Maybe she should try to go after school and talk to the teacher so she can get a better grasp of whats going on in class.

Shes getting into an age where she can make a lot of good or bad choices I think the church group will help her make better ones and keep her away from the bad crowd... but thats just IMO.

BTW... I am not religious at all, I have no kids, and I am 29 years old. So take my opinion for what its worth.

 

[Boomer182]

Honestly let her. You would rather her spend her time there, then out doing something she shouldnt.

 

[SCBQQSTN]

It's a much better enviroment for her to be in. I highly recommend she goes. Way better than the alternative. When my old girl friend was 14 y/o all she cared to do was go out and party (she is 28 now and really effed up in the head). If you deny her from that she may develope anger towards you, and that anger could lead to more serious issues as she gets older. I am not saying let her do what she wants, but letting her go to an enviroment that is very positive to her emotions would be a smart thing.

 

[LaFlavor]

I'm not advocating one direction or another here, since I kinda torn on what I think you should do.

However, I do want to point out that I don't think you should necessarily assume that the youth group is full of kids with good morals, just because it's a religious group. I remember that the members of those groups was decidedly mixed between what most would consider kids who are good influences and kids who are not so good influences.

I would make sure I got to know the people she'd be associating with in this group before making a decision. Even if you don't end up as a member of the church yourself, maybe go with her a few sundays to the services to learn what they're actually teaching. If it was my child, and the church was a fundamentalist one teaching creation myths and hate, I would certainly not allow her to go. If the church seemed reasonable, then I would at least consider it.

 

[thomas91169]

However, I do want to point out that I don't think you should necessarily assume that the youth group is full of kids with good morals, just because it's a religious group.

This.

Cant remember how many "church groups" we had back in HS, that id see half the members at the same parties I went to getting stoned/drunk on the weekend.

Have you checked the place out yet? if not, id do so.

 

[LostRacer]

If she wasn't at church she would be at home. We live a little ways from its location. I have checked it out and met with the pastor. It seems to be on the up and up . She already sent me text asking if she could go tonight and I agreed to let her. Thanks for the insight everyone. I really appreciate it. I am going to let her go and just keep my fingers crossed she accepts the gesture in the correct manner. :rockon:

 

[G2Mach1]

I would not put it in a light of punishment at all, but priorities are priorities. If she is spending a large chunk of her free time playing around there and not trying to stay on top of the bad grades, then I would say that she needs to focus on the school work more throughout the school week. I would not cut her off from the youth group or whatever, but that perceived positive influence alone is not going to get her grades up. If she is there studying in a calm environment, then that is good, but the Youth Groups I was forced to attend at that age did nothing for grades in school. However, I did become a better pool and foosball player. ha. And Yes, there are troubled youths in youth groups. I was one!

my.02

 

[SCBQQSTN]

If she wasn't at church she would be at home. We live a little ways from its location. I have checked it out and met with the pastor. It seems to be on the up and up . She already sent me text asking if she could go tonight and I agreed to let her. Thanks for the insight everyone. I really appreciate it. I am going to let her go and just keep my fingers crossed she accepts the gesture in the correct manner. :rockon:

Good move :thumbsup:

 

[oilwell1415]

I have one question that I didn't see addressed: Why are the grades bad? If they're bad because she just doesn't get it you should handle the situation differently than if she just isn't putting the effort into it.

 

[Coiled03]

If she wasn't at church she would be at home. We live a little ways from its location. I have checked it out and met with the pastor. It seems to be on the up and up . She already sent me text asking if she could go tonight and I agreed to let her. Thanks for the insight everyone. I really appreciate it. I am going to let her go and just keep my fingers crossed she accepts the gesture in the correct manner. :rockon:

I'd say you made the right call. It's tough to do, but you have to trust them to do the right thing at some point.

 

[lobra97]

let her pick up her grades if she wants to go. she obviously likes to go and enjoys whatever it is they do there, just cut her a deal like you were planning on. seems fair, good grades for extra curricular activities. there's a difference in going to church on sundays as everyone does and letting her hang out with the youth group on days other than that. let her go on sunday but make it a point that if she picks up her grades she can hang with em regularly as she was. i don't see it as being strict or being mean at all, there's nothing wrong with hanging out in church groups as long as you continue to do well in school. if she can balance it, let her have her fun. if not, take away some privilages until she does.

 

[LostRacer]

I have one question that I didn't see addressed: Why are the grades bad? If they're bad because she just doesn't get it you should handle the situation differently than if she just isn't putting the effort into it.

French and English seem to be her achilles heels right now. French she brought up to a C. But her English is hanging by a thread for passing. By looking at her work she missed a big project at the beginning of the semester which hurt her dearly. SHe hasn't recovered from it. Her and I had a pow wow about this yesterday. We have a deal about her school work. I used to ride her about her work all of the time and remembered when I was her age I absolutely hated it and it would irritate me to the point of just not caring. I had to work things differently with her. When I realized what I was doing, we talked about trust and responsibility. As her parent I need to trust her to do what she has to do. When I notice she doesn't, she then loses things such as privileges and toys(ipod, laptop...). We addressed her grades early on in the semester and she has made SOME progress. I feel she can do better. When questionable items come up, we discuss it. We're looking at summer classes for her and volunteer work to keep her busy and catch her up. I still remember my teenage years like it was yesterday. As scary as that is. With that in mind I take into account the stress, mishaps and misunderstandings I had endured with my mom growing up. It helps me to help my daughter. At the same time if BS is spewed I can quickly decipher that as well .

 

[01cobravortech]

Not really sure what being involved with a church has to do with those 2 classes though. You stated that "I'd rather my daughter rely on her confidence and personal skill to accel in school rather than use religion as a crutch." Well if she's attending a church that teaches sound doctrine, she is not going to be taught to rely on herself and look to herself for everything and to place the emphasis on looking inward for everything. Your view of how you want her to operate in life and what she is being taught is in total opposition of each other. Ultimately, no one knows your daughter or family better than you. I don't think you should be asking anyone here for advice because no one here knows anything about you or your family. You have no idea how anyone here lives or how they even see life or children for that matter. You know what you want to do and what you feel is right and you should follow that leading.

 

[xXGadfly09Xx]

Not really sure what being involved with a church has to do with those 2 classes though. You stated that "I'd rather my daughter rely on her confidence and personal skill to accel in school rather than use religion as a crutch." Well if she's attending a church that teaches sound doctrine, she is not going to be taught to rely on herself and look to herself for everything and to place the emphasis on looking inward for everything. Your view of how you want her to operate in life and what she is being taught is in total opposition of each other. Ultimately, no one knows your daughter or family better than you. I don't think you should be asking anyone here for advice because no one here knows anything about you or your family. You have no idea how anyone here lives or how they even see life or children for that matter. You know what you want to do and what you feel is right and you should follow that leading.

and religion likes to say praise God for your success not yourself God. I would rather say hey its on me if I fail but its also because of me that I succeed. God had nothing to do with it, I dont pray for better grades I go get them. I'm a "go getta" If I want it I get it because I push for it. Look Im not saying be a bad person but God hasnt helped me with french or english or calc or physics. I did it.

Tell your kid to earn her privilege to go to the youth groups stuff by improving each class by one letter grade. If she wants it have her EARN it. She will get good grades and appreciate the youth group more because its not a right but a privilege. She might not like it now but she will thank you for it later.

I played HS football and Basketball and graduated with a ~96 average but started hs with about a 92. The school said I had to maintain a C to get on the field. My coach said I needed to get an A because thats what I was capable of or else I dont see the field. He pushed us to our fullest whatever that was for each student. I will always be thankful for what he did for me.

 

[DirtyD916]

Just out of curiosity is the group Young Life?

 

[Boomer182]

I was one of those troubled teens. I was raised in church my whole life, and if it werent for me getting into a youth group at 15 there is no telling where I would be right now. My core morals came from that 3 year span I spent in there. Granted I did get into a lot of trouble after HS, but that was on me. I chose to do the bad things I did.

 

[LostRacer]

Just out of curiosity is the group Young Life?

I'll find out tonight.

xXGadfly09Xx-I agree about doing the work on your own. However everyone is different and responds to tactics in different ways. If there is a chance this could help her to realize her potential as well as open her eyes to another means of life, I think I have to give it a try. Like Isaid earlier. I'm not religious, but I will give my kids the opportunity to make up their own minds about it.

High school is an evil place. lol. Your parents can raise you straight as nails. But when you leave the house to go to school and you're surrounded by your peers, some decision making skills can be clouded. Noone is perfect. I don't expect her to be. But I do my damndest to be involved when I can as well as give her the space she needs to feel like she is doing something.

I also just want to say thanks for being respectful of others opinions. I know how some threads can get out of hand. lol :beer: