Non-Custodial Fathers Please Chime In

[Slo3kgtVtr]

First off, let me shine some light on my situation. I'm a single 28 yr old who makes 55k/year, has a 6-month old son with my ex and just got out of a mediation room at the courthouse. I have joint legal custody but allowed her physical custody for agreement on increased overnights as he gets older. I have been the most stand-up father so far; paying for all his food and daycare and the mothers bills while she was home with him from work; all while maintaining my own residence. I have him 8 overnights/month and 2 additional days. My gross monthly is $4,583, and monthly expenses come to about $3000 without his daycare and formula. After taxes, I am currently upside down. The state of vermont made me do a financial affadavit that indicated as such. The child support order they tried getting me to agree to was $786/month ($181/week). That would put me in the street; literally. I feel so helpless right now, I'm not feeling right in the head. I don't know what to do, I feel like no-one in the whole system cares about the fathers' rights or ability to live, especially after I tapped myself going above and beyond with my ex's expenses so far. Forget money for cars, bikes, or play, I feel like I'm being thrown out on the street. Any shared experiences or advice is welcome, I feel beaten down and helpless right now.

 

[vertcobra99]

First off, let me shine some light on my situation. I'm a single 28 yr old who makes 55k/year, has a 6-month old son with my ex and just got out of a mediation room at the courthouse. I have joint legal custody but allowed her physical custody for agreement on increased overnights as he gets older. I have been the most stand-up father so far; paying for all his food and daycare and the mothers bills while she was home with him from work; all while maintaining my own residence. I have him 8 overnights/month and 2 additional days. My gross monthly is $4,583, and monthly expenses come to about $3000 without his daycare and formula. After taxes, I am currently upside down. The state of vermont made me do a financial affadavit that indicated as such. The child support order they tried getting me to agree to was $786/month ($181/week). That would put me in the street; literally. I feel so helpless right now, I'm not feeling right in the head. I don't know what to do, I feel like no-one in the whole system cares about the fathers' rights or ability to live, especially after I tapped myself going above and beyond with my ex's expenses so far. Forget money for cars, bikes, or play, I feel like I'm being thrown out on the street. Any shared experiences or advice is welcome, I feel beaten down and helpless right now.

I know you love your son... but is the court ordering you to pay 3k a month or are you just doing that out of your heart? or is the 3k your expenses for the month? I was a little confused reading that.

 

[Slo3kgtVtr]

I know you love your son... but is the court ordering you to pay 3k a month or are you just doing that out of your heart? or is the 3k your expenses for the month? I was a little confused reading that.

$3000/month are my expenses: $1250rent, $400 car payment, $250 school loans, $300 gas, $100 insurance, $300 groceries, ...........you get the idea.

 

[Outlaw99]

3 years ago..., i was ordered to pay 809.00 per month when i was making 13.00 an hour..
i had my son full time, lived with me, i had all expenses and she saw him every other weekend....if that.

so at max, she had him 4 days a month. NC is very tough with child support laws....every missed payment is 30 days in jail. E.O.D.

 

[08427r]

im going through the same thing right now they rape u.. they make it easy for them to live which everyone wants for there kid and family but hard for u to live.

 

[Kingcater]

It's always the good fathers that suffer and the dead beats that get away easily.

My real dad never paid child support. He owed over 200K in back child support, my mom took him to court.

He argued that my step father was going to adopt me at the age of 10-11 so he thought he didn't have to pay her anymore. Some how in the end all he ended up paying was 12k.

The court systems are bogus sometimes.

My buddy is going through the same thing. His ex tried to say he beat her and was abusive. They quickly debunked that and in the end he didn't make out too bad.

Keep your head up and stay strong. Even if it's hard now your boy will respect you and will know that you took care of business in the long run.

 

[JMD0346]

I feel your pain. I pay 606 a month for my son. We were never even married. Just dating. I pay more than most people around here pay for two children.

 

[PSUCOBRA96]

if your really concerned you need to seek legal help, the cost might seem extreme now but in the long run it could save you cash, you on the street won't help your son at all, it seems to me that the old idea that mothers are the best fit for the kids and that they "deserve a certain amount of child support" idea needs to die, those ideas were thought up before women became such a big part of the work force, but sadly thats teh way things are, courts are slow to catch up with the times, hopefully you can figure out a better payment plan.

 

[Slo3kgtVtr]

Thanks for your words of encouragement guys, I'm on the phone with my mom right now, she's just hearing about it and cannot believe how little I can do.

 

[Sandgnat]

First off, let me shine some light on my situation. I'm a single 28 yr old who makes 55k/year, has a 6-month old son with my ex and just got out of a mediation room at the courthouse. I have joint legal custody but allowed her physical custody for agreement on increased overnights as he gets older. I have been the most stand-up father so far; paying for all his food and daycare and the mothers bills while she was home with him from work; all while maintaining my own residence. I have him 8 overnights/month and 2 additional days. My gross monthly is $4,583, and monthly expenses come to about $3000 without his daycare and formula. After taxes, I am currently upside down. The state of vermont made me do a financial affadavit that indicated as such. The child support order they tried getting me to agree to was $786/month ($181/week). That would put me in the street; literally. I feel so helpless right now, I'm not feeling right in the head. I don't know what to do, I feel like no-one in the whole system cares about the fathers' rights or ability to live, especially after I tapped myself going above and beyond with my ex's expenses so far. Forget money for cars, bikes, or play, I feel like I'm being thrown out on the street. Any shared experiences or advice is welcome, I feel beaten down and helpless right now.

From what you say, it looks as if you gave up "joint custody" for increased visitation rights. Court Order might still say it is joint, but you appear to haved talked yourself into a different situation and the amount proposed is likely closer to what your ex would get if she had full custody.

If you refused to sign the proposed financial settlement, you might want to consider getting better representation and visiting the mediation room again. But be warned, if you try to enforce a true joint custody arrangement, be sure you are prepared to live up to the requirements a young infant places on a single dad.

3 years ago..., i was ordered to pay 809.00 per month when i was making 13.00 an hour..
i had my son full time, lived with me, i had all expenses and she saw him every other weekend....if that.

so at max, she had him 4 days a month. NC is very tough with child support laws....every missed payment is 30 days in jail. E.O.D.

With you having the child fulltime and ex getting to visit, your situation looks more like Alimony than child support. Big difference in the rules.

 

[FordSVTFan]

What do you think it costs to raise a child. Regardless of who has physical custody, each parent is equally responsible for the living expenses of the child.

It is quite likely that your childs portion of rent, utilities, water, food, insurance, diapers, wipes, daycare, etc. is well more than $1600.

I was not married to my son's mother. I pay $1200/month plus cover insurance and pay for all sports, field trips, and after school care.

 

[Outlaw99]

i agree with your post adam....but, for the 8 years I had my son, all expenese on me, i sued my ex for help and lost....because she was a woman. i was awarded ZERO support from her. i cant even go back and sue for back support.

 

[Slo3kgtVtr]

What do you think it costs to raise a child. Regardless of who has physical custody, each parent is equally responsible for the living expenses of the child.

It is quite likely that your childs portion of rent, utilities, water, food, insurance, diapers, wipes, daycare, etc. is well more than $1600.

I was not married to my son's mother. I pay $1200/month plus cover insurance and pay for all sports, field trips, and after school care.

I understand it is very expensive to support a young child, but your $1200 must be based on a very high income. I don't have any money left over at the end of the month, and that's my primary problem.

 

[FordSVTFan]

I understand it is very expensive to support a young child, but your $1200 must be based on a very high income. I don't have any money left over at the end of the month, and that's my primary problem.

If you dont have any money left at the end of the month, you should reassess your expenses or get a part-time job. Your child is helpless and it was your decision to bring him into this world. You do whatever you have to do to support him.

 

[FordSVTFan]

i agree with your post adam....but, for the 8 years I had my son, all expenese on me, i sued my ex for help and lost....because she was a woman. i was awarded ZERO support from her. i cant even go back and sue for back support.

Chris, you just got screwed. I dont know of a court that would order a child support payment to the non-custodial parent. I have seen a court order for child support to the custodial parent, and then the parents change the agreement where the child lives with the non-custodial parent, but the order is in place and cannot be subverted by outside agreement.

In that case the non-custodial parent can sue to enforce her/his right to receive child support even without having physical custody of the child. That is because once the court is involved, everything must be brought through the court.

Either way it still sucks.

 

[Mustanger]

If you dont have any money left at the end of the month, you should reassess your expenses or get a part-time job. Your child is helpless and it was your decision to bring him into this world. You do whatever you have to do to support him.

Check out his expenses as listed ...then tell him what to cut...possibly the car payment...sell it if possible & get an old Escort beater or something...$300 bucks for food each month sure ain't much...

So that leaves him no pleasure whatsoever in life, an Escort, limited food...a second job will take out any social life...it appears this will be a ten year sentence to boot.

I supported my daughter & it hurt a lot, I know where he is coming from!

 

[Outlaw99]

Chris, you just got screwed. I dont know of a court that would order a child support payment to the non-custodial parent. I have seen a court order for child support to the custodial parent, and then the parents change the agreement where the child lives with the non-custodial parent, but the order is in place and cannot be subverted by outside agreement.

In that case the non-custodial parent can sue to enforce her/his right to receive child support even without having physical custody of the child. That is because once the court is involved, everything must be brought through the court.

Either way it still sucks.

my stty said it had something to do with her being a full time student and worked full time....who knows.

at that time, we had joint custody, and primary residence was with me. my atty, when the order was handed down, was speechless. of course, the judge was a female, former miss asheville, former public defender, a feminist democrat liberal.....imagine that.

i enjoy knowing that i am taking care of my son......

 

[FordSVTFan]

Check out his expenses as listed ...then tell him what to cut...possibly the car payment...sell it if possible & get an old Escort beater or something...$300 bucks for food each month sure ain't much...

First off $1250/month for an apartment in Vermont is high. I would bet there are acceptable places for well under $1000/month. Yes, sell the car and buy a beater with whatever equity is there, hence no payment. Regardless, his list adds to $2600/month. Also based on his income and tax bracket, his after tax income with zero deductions would be just at $3300/month.

So, by getting a cheaper place and selling the car he would recoup the $780/month.

So that leaves him no pleasure whatsoever in life, an Escort, limited food...a second job will take out any social life...it appears this will be a ten year sentence to boot.

I supported my daughter & it hurt a lot, I know where he is coming from!

The pleasure in his life comes from his child. Also a part-time job of 10 hours a week would span the gap and allow for no reduction in his lifestyle. But feel free to exagerrate.

 

[Mustanger]

In 1989 a carpenter friend of mine was kicked out of his home by his wife of 22 years, she then moved her boyfriend into the beautiful handcrafted home he had built himself. He drives by & see's the man playing with his dog, & kids, sleeping with his wife & enjoying all the fruits of his labor of a lifetime.

The divorce judge awards child support & alimony to the wife in amounts that left him with $134 net every payday. When asked how he was supposed to live on that amount the judge replied, " Not my problem"....

I thought the OP's situation was kinda approaching those levels..not exagerating anything just a gut feeling on my part. I believe totally in child support...I never got any from MY dad & we were on welfare most of my growing up years. It hurt.

I voluntarily supported my daughter WAY above & beyond what the judge told me in my divorce...I provided free medical & dental, eyecare for her out of my pocket...and all clothing plus more all her life growing up. Sure made it easy on my ex!!!

Oh yeah, when my carpenter friend asked my advice...I told him to disappear into his dream of a Caribbean island, build a shack on the beach, and never pay the alimony...but to set up a way to pay child support ...exactly what he did!