I have to vent a little.

[chvybeatsford]

OK. So me and the wife(not really) but been together 11 years 2 weeks ago. Things been kinda up and down and was wanting to fix our issues. U know. New pool to help us/me stay home and spend more time alone. My issue was I like drinking with my brother and family so we was always around them and she couldnt drink so we made it home safe. Bought a older house vs our brand new house so we can do projects together. Wanted to build here the kitchen she always wanted. I've been sitting on about 15k in safe and what I thought was a lot in the bank account.

Made the mistake (I know know) years ago and let her control the funds. So last week was bored and wanted to get more involved to help me plan projects with accordance to bank account and time. I hate interest and if I don't pay cash I use my card with a set amount of interest free time .

What I found last week has gotten me very upset and lost got what to do. I found some bills (credit cards) that was not supposed to exists. I sold of my 89 charged coupe to pay all the bills off 2.5 years ago and drove a crap 88 yota truck. Well she decided to not pay some some off and keep putting things on it without telling me. I'm (were)over 6k in credit cards with interest being just under the monthly amount she had been paying while still adding more to the card. Our banks have been joined since 9 years.

What kills me most is now I can't do these upgrades . It affects her and me as well. Everything is original 1981 stuff in house. Also the fact she can't (or want ) tell me where or what it went on. Her words are "I don't know".

I feel like I've lost some trust with this.

Iduno..

Cliffs..
--Thought I was debt free..sold a lot of toys to be that way..
--2.5 years later found out the money I thought was used to fix debt has vanished.
--More debt was made when she got another card. (Unknown what she spent it on)
--Was told she don't know where it was spent. The money I gave her in lump(8k)
--The hole time planning remodel nothing was said. (Last 3 months) and I went over our monthly budget vs monthly income many times.

--Before y'all say .I should have had more part. Yes I should have ..But she was a banker and I was dumb with money before.


Sorry. Needed some where to vent.

 

[evolve]

Have you talked to her about where that money was spent? Edit* Disregard that. She needs to be very honest and very clear on what her intentions are from here on. If she wants to make it work, things like that cannot happen. Continue to make the effort to fix things but dont be taken for the fool here. I hope you two can make it work.

 

[Zemedici]

Have you talked to her about where that money was spent? She needs to be very honest and very clear on what her intentions are from here on. If she wants to make it work, things like that cannot happen. Continue to make the effort to fix things but dont be taken for the fool here. I hope you two can make it work.

this. I've been through infidelity in my current relationship, and tbh I'd rather go through that again vs what you're going through. That's shady as hell that she cant remember what she bought? Any explanation why?

 

[cbj5259]

Trust has to be earned. I would say she broke that trust. How would she have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot? Money is a HUGE issue in any longterm relationship/marriage and leads to a lot of divorces (ask me how I know). I would demand of her that she turn over the finances to you since you are clearly more responsible with money at this point than she is. Then you can work on rebuilding the trust.

 

[nxhappy]

take her credit cards, and ****ing shred them (this is absolutely necessary).

Sell off some shit if you can to pay the debt. If you can't do that, make her work extra, or get a second job.

 

[VegasMichael]

Odd that she won't tell you what the money was spent on. The lump sum money might be hard to trace but the credit card spending is traceable. Did you ask to see the cc statements?

 

[Torch10th]

Are the credit cards in her name, your name or both? If the cards are in her name only, the simple thing to do here is divorce yourself from her spending. The very first thing I would do is to separate your bank accounts and split up the savings by who has contributed what.

At that point you no longer have to worry about what she's doing with her money. With that said, the fact that she isn't providing any information about where that money went, I would highly expect that there's some other activity going on that you don't know about. Especially considering your statements that the relationship hasn't been all that great.

It's time to sit down and have a real heart to heart and everybody is 100% honest. At the point that either party either can't or won't be honest about what is going on, it's time to start looking to dissolving the relationship.

 

[thomas91169]

Find statements. Work your way backwards. Figure out where the money went and go from there. There is no such thing as "I dont know".

Retake command of the finances.

It just sounds like she got in over her head and I bet money she didnt come to you because she felt you would likely blow up about it.

 

[mc01svt]

Op does not keep his pimp-hand strong. Big mistake.. :nono:

 

[Drive XR7]

I had an old co-worker who went through something similar. Found $20k worth of CC debt his wife racked up over the years. They are now divorced but I think he's still saddled with that debt.

 

[Kevins89notch]

Please tell me her name isn't on the house.

 

[chvybeatsford]

I just found all this Thurs night. Some reason I went in a moment I never wanted and looked in her email. Well that started it. I talked to her that night when she got off work .. She just keep saying sorry and I don't know. I told her that night I need full access to all accounts. Well she sorda ignored my wish and today (I gave her time) I asked again and she gave me some so far. I've looked at two accounts and on my phone can't really see much. So the next few days I'm making spread sheets and tracking all statements .

Its the "I don't know" that kills me. She says random stuff. But we have around 1200 play money monthly that either adds to savings or takes care of bight outs. I quite smoking a year ago to save some funds.. So if I was to spend 200 on a good weekend I knew I didn't need to check account.

She also said she is gonna cancle cards. I said nope. Cause if she did that I may not be able to track it.

 

[chvybeatsford]

Please tell me her name isn't on the house.

That's the other issue. Originally I had crap credit and I had a (I can walk away from her no ties )moment where the first house was just her name. Well second house I had worked my credit to right about 800 so I wanted a diff house. (Better location) . I should have caught the fact that our approval was not much more than her with first house. Except this time it was her debt /income. Man I let so much sneak past me without seeing.

I know I made the mistake with trusting and thats why this untrustworthy with money is so bad.

 

[BlckBox04]

Something sounds very strange.

You need to do some investigation. Maybe seriously think about hiring a computer forensics detective.

 

[greenscobie86]

you'll be able to check the cards after she cancels them.

That sucks man, hope it all works out. Sounds like you guys really need to sit down and figure out what the hell is going on with your relationship and the money.

 

[Troponin]

I know that sometimes we can sit in our chairs behind our computers and easily monday morning quarterback situations like this. The general rules are that if you aren't married, a woman should never have your credit cards or any control over your personal finances.

That said, I can completely understand how you can get comfortable when you have been with a woman for that long. The first reply pretty much nailed it all. You cannot, and should not, move forward until she becomes completely honest with you. Where did the money go? Why did she not discuss this with you? etc. If she expects any kind of trust to ever be resestablished between you, she is going to have to spill EVERYTHING and not leave out a single detail. If she cannot do that, then the relationship is doomed.

 

[Screw-Rice]

If your name is on these cards/accounts as well, I would be calling all of them requesting and changing all the log in info so and you alone have access to these accounts. Ignoring the request last week, means she's trying to figure out how to block or remove the possibility of tracing where it was spent.

Saying she doesn't know is totally unacceptable, she knows full well where it was spent. You aren't married, but I'm guessing you are common law at this point, which to my understanding is essentially the same as marriage when it comes to finances. Something more than frivolous spending is going on. Don't want to put thoughts in your head, but I'd be pulling call records off the phone if you guys are on a joint account or swipe her phone when she isn't around.

I've had good and bad relationships. The ones where a red flag gets raised and it isn't met with a plausible answer, lead to a whole discovery of shady shenanigans.

 

[Sinister04L]

I'm glad my wife is the one good with money and I'm the loose spender.

 

[Sonic605hp]

Oh man, you're better than me; I'd go off the handle if I found that out. I'm glad I handle the finances and the Wife is ok with it.

 

[GT Premi]

I went through a similar banking/credit card situation with my ex wife. She's getting ready to end the relationship, OP. She's getting herself propped up and ready for the leap. In my situation, I didn't even find out what she had been doing until AFTER I had already divorced her. In my situation, she knew I was ditching her ass as soon as we got back to the States because I had already told her. (That's where I made my mistake. I showed my hand too early.)