thought this was pretty funny
"Does he really think his community is served by having the taxpayers provide three hots and a cot for Plaxico Burress for the next two years?
The guy shot himself in the leg. Donte' Stallworth served 24 days after killing a guy while drunk driving. Former Patriots offensive lineman Daniel Villa just got two years for raping a 15-year-old girl.
Plax. Shot. Himself.
I know Plax is an idiot, but two years is ridiculous for being a knucklehead. A fine, probation and a wag of the finger from an angry judge was what was called for here.
The absurdity of the Burress sentence got me thinking. If I were the NFL's D.A., here's some jurisprudence I'd like to see meted out."
Suspect: Chad Ochocinco
Charge: noise pollution. Seriously, Chad needs to either say something interesting or mildly amusing or just shut the hell up. Wide receivers coming off seasons in which they averaged 10.2 yards per catch have nothing to tweet about. And McDonald's is probably hoping he stops bragging on Hard Knocks about how much he eats there. That's right, eat McDonald's every day and you can be a wide receiver who averages fewer yards per catch than 22 NFL tight ends.
Sentence: gag order until Chad is once again considered even a No. 2 fantasy wide receiver.
Suspect: Brett Favre
Charge: vandalism. According to people with knowledge of the situation, Favre has destroyed the Vikings' locker room. The word "schism" can't be good as your team gears up for opening day.
Sentence: 40 years at home with the family, a sentence he should have begun serving a year ago.
Suspect: Brad Childress
Charge: aiding and abetting a narcissist. It's not every coach who hears about a player perceived as "aloof" who created a lot of "resentment" in his previous locker room and says, "I gotta get that guy." But that's just what Brad Childress did. Despite Favre's don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out departure from the Jets Childress was more than happy — obsessed even — to bring that energy into his own locker room.
Sentence: a first-round exit from the playoffs as his 39-year-old QB throws three picks.
Suspect: Jerry Jones
Charge: building code infraction. Jerry Jones did know that his football stadium was going to be used for football, right? Imagine a basketball arena where the occasional 3-point shot attempt hits the scoreboard? When you're as hands-on as Jones you can't lay the blame for your too-low scoreboard on the architect.
Sentence: 12 years without a playoff win (time already served).
Suspect: Tony Romo
Charge: dereliction of duty. It remains to be seen which will have a greater impact on the Cowboys, the dumping of No.1 wide receiver Terrell Owens or the dumping of No. 1 distraction Jessica Simpson. The prima donna with a persecution complex and the demanding succubus both made great villains. But blame for the fact that the Cowboys haven't won a playoff game in Romo's three seasons as The Man has to fall on the QB's shoulders.
Sentence: celibacy until the Cowboys win a playoff game.
Suspect: Marvin Lewis
Charge: fraud. When the Ravens defense unilaterally won a Super Bowl despite the team's offense, coordinator Marvin Lewis was naturally hailed as a genius. Well, he's had six seasons now to live up to that billing and with each passing year it's becoming more and more obvious that the Ravens' success was based entirely on personnel. Lewis's four-year trend (11-5, 8-8, 7-9, 4-11-1) would have gotten any other coach fired by now, but he's lucky -- and unlucky -- to be employed by the penurious Bengals who could never imagine paying two head coaching salaries at once.
Sentence: Two more years coaching the Bengals.
Suspect: Brandon Marshall
Charge: copy cat franchise killing. Brandon Marshall has seen what one truculent wide receiver can do to an organization (Terrell Owens, Eagles, 2005) and he is clearly enthralled by how much power he potentially wields. Departed QB Jay Cutler has already wobbled first-year coach Josh McDaniels and Marshall looks poised to finish the job.
Sentence: 16 games with Kyle Orton (rated 25th in the NFL last year) as your QB.
Suspect: Tom Cable
Charge: battery. Cable is being investigated for assaulting defensive assistant Randy Hanson. But let's just go ahead and assume Hanson didn't fracture his jawbone by walking into a door.
Sentence: six months bathing Al Davis.
Suspect: Rex Ryan
Charge: premature chirping. Despite having zero wins as a head coach, Rex Ryan entered the scene in the AFC East with his gums flapping, saying he didn't come to the Jets "to kiss Bill Belichick 's rings" and repeatedly calling out Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder. Of course Ryan no longer has Ray Lewis and Ed Reed to back up his smack talk.
Sentence: a murderous first month schedule (with a rookie QB) could easily have the Jets in the cellar of the AFC East after a loss to Crowder's Dolphins on Oct. 12.
Suspect: Cleveland Browns
Charge: negligent fanslaughter. At what point will organizations realize that the Bill Belichick coaching tree begins and ends with Belichick? Notre Dame has lost 15 games the last two seasons under Charlie Weis. Josh McDaniels has tripped a land mine in Denver. Eric Mangini got canned by the Jets after going 23-25 in three seasons. Romeo Crennel went 24-40 in four lamentable seasons with the Browns. But leave it to the Browns to be the slowest learners (slowest Lerners?). Despite the major disappointment that was the Crennel Era, owner Randy Lerner has gone back to the tree and installed Mangini as his new coach. How's it looking? Well, with Week 1 fast approaching the Browns still have two quarterbacks vying for the starting job, which means, of course, they have no quarterback. So expect another very long season in a division that features studs Ben Roethlisberger, Joe Flacco and Carson Palmer.
Sentence: 3-13 with a Week 11 loss at Detroit
"Does he really think his community is served by having the taxpayers provide three hots and a cot for Plaxico Burress for the next two years?
The guy shot himself in the leg. Donte' Stallworth served 24 days after killing a guy while drunk driving. Former Patriots offensive lineman Daniel Villa just got two years for raping a 15-year-old girl.
Plax. Shot. Himself.
I know Plax is an idiot, but two years is ridiculous for being a knucklehead. A fine, probation and a wag of the finger from an angry judge was what was called for here.
The absurdity of the Burress sentence got me thinking. If I were the NFL's D.A., here's some jurisprudence I'd like to see meted out."
Suspect: Chad Ochocinco
Charge: noise pollution. Seriously, Chad needs to either say something interesting or mildly amusing or just shut the hell up. Wide receivers coming off seasons in which they averaged 10.2 yards per catch have nothing to tweet about. And McDonald's is probably hoping he stops bragging on Hard Knocks about how much he eats there. That's right, eat McDonald's every day and you can be a wide receiver who averages fewer yards per catch than 22 NFL tight ends.
Sentence: gag order until Chad is once again considered even a No. 2 fantasy wide receiver.
Suspect: Brett Favre
Charge: vandalism. According to people with knowledge of the situation, Favre has destroyed the Vikings' locker room. The word "schism" can't be good as your team gears up for opening day.
Sentence: 40 years at home with the family, a sentence he should have begun serving a year ago.
Suspect: Brad Childress
Charge: aiding and abetting a narcissist. It's not every coach who hears about a player perceived as "aloof" who created a lot of "resentment" in his previous locker room and says, "I gotta get that guy." But that's just what Brad Childress did. Despite Favre's don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out departure from the Jets Childress was more than happy — obsessed even — to bring that energy into his own locker room.
Sentence: a first-round exit from the playoffs as his 39-year-old QB throws three picks.
Suspect: Jerry Jones
Charge: building code infraction. Jerry Jones did know that his football stadium was going to be used for football, right? Imagine a basketball arena where the occasional 3-point shot attempt hits the scoreboard? When you're as hands-on as Jones you can't lay the blame for your too-low scoreboard on the architect.
Sentence: 12 years without a playoff win (time already served).
Suspect: Tony Romo
Charge: dereliction of duty. It remains to be seen which will have a greater impact on the Cowboys, the dumping of No.1 wide receiver Terrell Owens or the dumping of No. 1 distraction Jessica Simpson. The prima donna with a persecution complex and the demanding succubus both made great villains. But blame for the fact that the Cowboys haven't won a playoff game in Romo's three seasons as The Man has to fall on the QB's shoulders.
Sentence: celibacy until the Cowboys win a playoff game.
Suspect: Marvin Lewis
Charge: fraud. When the Ravens defense unilaterally won a Super Bowl despite the team's offense, coordinator Marvin Lewis was naturally hailed as a genius. Well, he's had six seasons now to live up to that billing and with each passing year it's becoming more and more obvious that the Ravens' success was based entirely on personnel. Lewis's four-year trend (11-5, 8-8, 7-9, 4-11-1) would have gotten any other coach fired by now, but he's lucky -- and unlucky -- to be employed by the penurious Bengals who could never imagine paying two head coaching salaries at once.
Sentence: Two more years coaching the Bengals.
Suspect: Brandon Marshall
Charge: copy cat franchise killing. Brandon Marshall has seen what one truculent wide receiver can do to an organization (Terrell Owens, Eagles, 2005) and he is clearly enthralled by how much power he potentially wields. Departed QB Jay Cutler has already wobbled first-year coach Josh McDaniels and Marshall looks poised to finish the job.
Sentence: 16 games with Kyle Orton (rated 25th in the NFL last year) as your QB.
Suspect: Tom Cable
Charge: battery. Cable is being investigated for assaulting defensive assistant Randy Hanson. But let's just go ahead and assume Hanson didn't fracture his jawbone by walking into a door.
Sentence: six months bathing Al Davis.
Suspect: Rex Ryan
Charge: premature chirping. Despite having zero wins as a head coach, Rex Ryan entered the scene in the AFC East with his gums flapping, saying he didn't come to the Jets "to kiss Bill Belichick 's rings" and repeatedly calling out Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder. Of course Ryan no longer has Ray Lewis and Ed Reed to back up his smack talk.
Sentence: a murderous first month schedule (with a rookie QB) could easily have the Jets in the cellar of the AFC East after a loss to Crowder's Dolphins on Oct. 12.
Suspect: Cleveland Browns
Charge: negligent fanslaughter. At what point will organizations realize that the Bill Belichick coaching tree begins and ends with Belichick? Notre Dame has lost 15 games the last two seasons under Charlie Weis. Josh McDaniels has tripped a land mine in Denver. Eric Mangini got canned by the Jets after going 23-25 in three seasons. Romeo Crennel went 24-40 in four lamentable seasons with the Browns. But leave it to the Browns to be the slowest learners (slowest Lerners?). Despite the major disappointment that was the Crennel Era, owner Randy Lerner has gone back to the tree and installed Mangini as his new coach. How's it looking? Well, with Week 1 fast approaching the Browns still have two quarterbacks vying for the starting job, which means, of course, they have no quarterback. So expect another very long season in a division that features studs Ben Roethlisberger, Joe Flacco and Carson Palmer.
Sentence: 3-13 with a Week 11 loss at Detroit
