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SVTPerformance's Chain of Restaurants
Road Side Pub
Any English gurus want to proof read my paper?
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<blockquote data-quote="HYBRED" data-source="post: 9310617" data-attributes="member: 52848"><p>Though appearing a mixing of tenses, "lay" was the correct term in the context of the story.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You may want to reword this part...maybe say throb with pain, or just leave it at throb.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I had to read this sentence twice, as it's unclear that you actually arrived at the hospital. Maybe change the first part to read "By the time I arrived at the ER my condition had greatly improved from fluids received in route, and I began..."</p><p></p><p>Also, between the first and second paragraph you may want to include some kind of flashback intro..."Earlier that morning, as I walked out to my beautiful..." The abrupt jump backwards threw me and I had to stop and reread parts to figure out what happened; you don't want anything interrupting the flow of reading for your audience.</p><p></p><p>Grammatically, it's fine, so I'll give you a critique of the style. It's well written, but the overuse of adjectives in the first paragraph doesn't match the second, and seems to come and go throughout, and it's kind of distracting. I know that you're trying to express the surrealism of the occasion, but to me it reads like you just looked up simple words into a thesaurus (Blue = azure, cerulean, etc). This combined with the short sentences I feel detracts from the flow of your essay. You may want to consider toning down the verbage a bit, you're utilizing two vastly differing methods of writing in the verbosity of a Gothic novel combined with the stark simplicity of a 20th century American novel. I feel that your story is better told using the latter literary devices: short sentences, minimal wording, repetitive words. I want to feel what you felt when reading a personal essay, and I find it hard to believe that as you lay bleeding on the ground, you were thinking to yourself man, the sky is really cerulean today! Does that make sense? I'm not trying to bash you, it really was well written, especially considering the kind of stuff you usually see on this site. :beer:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HYBRED, post: 9310617, member: 52848"] Though appearing a mixing of tenses, "lay" was the correct term in the context of the story. You may want to reword this part...maybe say throb with pain, or just leave it at throb. I had to read this sentence twice, as it's unclear that you actually arrived at the hospital. Maybe change the first part to read "By the time I arrived at the ER my condition had greatly improved from fluids received in route, and I began..." Also, between the first and second paragraph you may want to include some kind of flashback intro..."Earlier that morning, as I walked out to my beautiful..." The abrupt jump backwards threw me and I had to stop and reread parts to figure out what happened; you don't want anything interrupting the flow of reading for your audience. Grammatically, it's fine, so I'll give you a critique of the style. It's well written, but the overuse of adjectives in the first paragraph doesn't match the second, and seems to come and go throughout, and it's kind of distracting. I know that you're trying to express the surrealism of the occasion, but to me it reads like you just looked up simple words into a thesaurus (Blue = azure, cerulean, etc). This combined with the short sentences I feel detracts from the flow of your essay. You may want to consider toning down the verbage a bit, you're utilizing two vastly differing methods of writing in the verbosity of a Gothic novel combined with the stark simplicity of a 20th century American novel. I feel that your story is better told using the latter literary devices: short sentences, minimal wording, repetitive words. I want to feel what you felt when reading a personal essay, and I find it hard to believe that as you lay bleeding on the ground, you were thinking to yourself man, the sky is really cerulean today! Does that make sense? I'm not trying to bash you, it really was well written, especially considering the kind of stuff you usually see on this site. :beer: [/QUOTE]
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SVTPerformance's Chain of Restaurants
Road Side Pub
Any English gurus want to proof read my paper?
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