This is hilarious! I did a search, and came up with nothing, so I hope it's not a repost. Enjoy!
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07
Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington
Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in
regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden
NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is ****ing bullshit and you should kiss
my mother-****ing ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut
his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game.
That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was
sniffing 80.
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a ****ing 12. I rate
you a ****ing 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever. except for in the
category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You
will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in
any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom.
Score one for Red Beard.
It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it
sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then
lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for
breakfast. ****, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking
athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod
"He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that
seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect
oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men
had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate
point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using
your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack
of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?
I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player
rated out of the entire NFL. ****, man, there are some shitty guys out
there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.
I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the
agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I
don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My
agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over
if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is
listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her
wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.
Red Alert!
John, you are such a ****ing dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating
was a 0. I was rated a ****ing zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even
receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even
fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and
let the ball bounce off of my ****ing face. **** that, John, I returned an
onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and
had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.
Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage
ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone
(21). **** me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come
from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of
offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando
Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry
Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive
lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.
I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is
has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time
into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both
throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible
passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor
boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He
also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my
senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin
usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic
directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my
ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than
the other ratings, but I'm a ****ing lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are
considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a
retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass ****wad that can't fall on a kickoff,
throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver
than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each
year, old man.
When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
**** you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume
for the rest of your life. If you **** with Ethan Albright, you call down
the thunder.
Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright
