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Thank you for calling heaven. I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press 1. Jesus, press 2. The...

Apps announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The " iTit " will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring...

Thanks guys. Bored to tears already.

Harley Davidson is closing many of its plants due to declining sales. Apparently, Baby Boomers all have motorcycles, Generation X is only buying a very few and Millennials aren't buying ant at all. A recent study was conducted to find out why. Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride...

Former LEO, so not a fair comparison. Never had to use a weapon off duty, but I have had to use force to protect myself.

For 25 dollars I get a cut, a hug and kiss from my stylist. I had a guy that did my hair for a long time, he had a fall at home and got injured, never did get back to work. So this one had just moved back in the area. Come to find out she was married into a family that had been family friends...

In here early since I missed Friday - I was hoping to get in a Friday joke and let everyone know I was still alive. Almost 3 hours of work; doc called it a reconstruction - 4 1/2 year old repair was loose, more damage, a chunk of bone floating around. Graft attached with 7 anchors, bone spur...

I'll be available for test drives. Jes sayin'....

Definitely no joke tomorrow, I'll either be blissfully asleep or trying to wake up. Hopefully Friday I can return to form. An old man and his old wife have been married for 40 years. Every year for their anniversary, the husband would take his wife to the state Fair. Every year there was a man...

When you find a good wife you not only get a best friend and companion, you also receive a driving instructor for life. _____________________________________________________

Yes. I worked on a Friday. But not the next two Fridays.... But I'll be home recuperating from hip surgery, so the jokes should continue. I mean what the hell else am I going to do. :unsure:

For the new truck. All prepared to have the level kit and wheels installed last week except they forgot to send the front coil springs and one of the wheels was damaged. Springs arrived on Friday, wheel is due today. Scheduled to be completed tomorrow. Pics forthcoming of complete package.

I’m confused how a funeral home can raise its prices and blame it on the cost of living. Sometimes I read a text and thing “what a psycho”. Then I press send. _______________________________________________________

Finally Friday! I hope everyone has a great weekend. Woman: No one will ever know I bought this dress at Ross for 7 dollars! Stranger: “I love your dress!” Woman: “Girrlll, I got it at Ross for 7 dollars!!” If you get lost in the woods, find a possum and follow it. You’ll be in the middle of...

He could maneuver an airport to the rental car counter. :)

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the wanted fugitives in the USA. One little boy points to the picture first in line and says, “He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?” The officer...

My wife was mad at me so she wanted to disgrace me in the presence of her friends; she said I wasn’t good in bed. It backfired when they all disagreed with her. _______________________________________________________

Very mild winter. Edge of the earthquake. Not quite the total eclipse. Edge of the cicada outbreak. Makes me think somewhere down the road, in the not to distant future, we gonna have it handed to us. Add to that my luck in nearly everything lately has been bad, I wanna go hide for a year or so.

Illegals Homeless Traffic Taxes

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take...

While we’re at it, don’t look directly at me today either. ______________________________________________________

Yes, actually working a Friday. :( I hope everyone has a great weekend. An earthquake was reported about an hour ago in the NY/NJ area, hope all is well from that and we are free from more shaking and quaking over the weekend. Today's joke is more of a pondering of life, but makes a good point...

It's not Monday, you are out of excuses..... ;)

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."...

East Coast here. Hmmmmm.....