Another short week for me. I hope that everyone has a great holiday weekend!
A lot of good women turn into good drivers.
So, if you’re a good driver watch out for women turning.
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Back for a limited engagement - only two days this week! Lol....
When one door closes, another one opens.
- Boeing
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Last day this week AND won't be around Monday or Tuesday of next week. I'll try and sneak in here, no promises. Have a great weekend!
An invisible man and invisible woman married.
I’m not sure what they saw in each other.
Their kids were nothing to look at, either.
I want to open a...
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes and this lady was listing all these great things to do for fun. Then I realized it was one of those religious shows and she was reading a list of sins.
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To all the people that complain that the burger in the ad looks much better than the one you get at the restaurant – look at your profile picture and then look in the mirror. :oops:
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Just saved a ton of money on car my car insurance…
By switching to reverse and leaving the scene.
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Yes, yes, once again Thursday for y'all is Friday for me. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Doctor to patient: Want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news first, please.
Doctor: They’ll be naming a disease after you…
And this is NOT aimed at any particular member (I fit...
Be warned – when a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of her brain has been activated.
Abort mission.
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In high school I was excited to become a senior.
Now that I am in my 60’s – not so much.
Alcohol should contain glitter so throwing up can be prettier.
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You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool
This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.
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Last day this week. We have had a ton of rain and will see more over the weekend. So, while mine may not be the best, I hope all of you have a great end of week and weekend.
Please do not accept friend requests from my parents. They have been hacked...
Thanks,
Lizzie Borden...
An old woman goes into the confessional:
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I killed a politician.
The Father replies:
“My Daughter, I’m here to listen to your sins, not your community service work.
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I was trippin’ all day.
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It only takes one beer to get me drunk.
Trouble is I can’t remember if it’s the 13th or 14th one…
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Last day this week. May not work any Friday's in March so this is your official warning.
Enjoy your week's end and your weekend!
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed...
Alexa, why do I have so much trouble with women?
I'm Siri, you moron!
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my metabolism the most...
I haven’t lost all my marbles yet…
But there Is definitely a small hole in the bag.
I hate when I put something in a safe place and basically lose it forever.
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Husband: “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”
Wife: “Because I don’t like calling you at work.”
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Appears not a bad weekend or a good weekend for me. I hope all of you have a great weekend!!
Flight attendant: “Is there a doctor onboard?”
Dad: *nudging son* “That could have been you”.
Son: “Not now Dad”.
Dad: “Not asking for a Graphic Designer to help, are they?”
Son: (annoyed) “Dad...
I wonder what my kids are going to tell their kids:
“It was so rough back in my day, I didn’t get a phone until 4th grade and sometimes the Wi-Fi didn’t always work upstairs."
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Engineer: “I try to make things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots”.
Joe’s Radiator Repair – A great place to take a leak.
I have officially quit eating tacos for good.
Now I only eat tacos for evil.
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Looks like those of us in the Mid-Atlantic will awaken to some snow tomorrow AM. But with sunshine and temps in the low 40's, it will disappear quick. Then a sunny, nice rest of the long weekend.
Regardless, you all have a great weekend!
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The...
You know you are getting older when:
When your back goes out more often than you do.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks - and discover you aren't wearing any.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired...
Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit. That’s why it’s called SIGNIFICANT other
Sign/if/I/can’t
Follow me for more marriage tips.
Paid rent. Now I have a place to starve.
And just for today:
If your girl asks you where you’re taking her for Valentine’s Day, “over the...