Thanks. Turns out it's just a locked up idler pulley and shredded water pump belt. Back in business. Going to remove this ad.
Lesson: Not all mechanics are created equal.
Offering it up here first, hopefully someone can use it:
$700 - 98 Contour SVT, 250K miles, Red with midnight blue interior. Blew a head gasket. Still runs and moves. Located in NW Illinois.
Issues:
- blown head gasket per mechanic
- parking brake unhooked
- electric trunk release broken...